Archive for the ‘the written word’ Category

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THESIS SHOW OPENING!

Wednesday, April 21st, 2010 4:24 pm
devin-magazine-postcard-front

THE TIME HAS COME MY FRIENDS!!!

THIS FRIDAY, April 23rd, 5PM – 8PM(ish)
1104 S Wabash
2nd Fl – Center for the Book & Paper Arts Gallery
Chicago, IL 60605

(lots of parking lots, street parking available & one block away from the Roosevelt Red/Green/Orange line stop!)

DEVIN MAGAZINE is ready to be LAUNCHED!

The project I’ve been working on (and freaking out over) for the past several months has finally come to fruition and I’d LOVE for you to see the fruits of my labor!!!

Please join me for wine, cheese and much merriment as I celebrate this momentous occasion with 13 other incredibly talented artists as we all debut are work together in one very exciting show!!!

I promise to look as fabulous as possible and cannot WAIT to see you there!

IF YOU CANNOT MAKE THIS DATE – there will be a second “opening reception” FRIDAY, MAY 14th from 5 to 8:30(ish) as well, which I’ll be posting another event for!

CHEERS AND LOOKING FORWARD TO SHARING THE HAPPINESS WITH YOU ALL!!!

XOXO,
Devin

Posted in art, life, my friends are talented, personal, style, the written word, thesis, works in progress | No Comments »

Snail mail and why it rocks!

Monday, December 7th, 2009 11:10 pm
everybody loves to recieve letters in the mail...here are 4 b-day cards I got all in one day!

everybody loves to recieve letters in the mail...here are 4 b-day cards I got all in one day!

You know, I’m one of those lucky people that has not one, not two but at least THREE wonderful close friends in my life who send me SNAIL MAIL. That’s right, the actual kind of mail you must go and get stamps for and hand off to a US Postal services person to be hand delivered to your door step. Yeah, totally awesome!

So I must address these three wonderful and amazing people (especially since they might be three of the six people I know actually READ this blog, ha ha). Ivan, you’ve been sending me snail mail the longest – I’ve got boxes full of hand written love from you. THANK YOU FOR KEEPING IT UP ALL THESE YEARS!!! Hillary, lady, you and the pen make magic happen on paper. Your words flow like honey from the comb – sweetly and liberally. I LOVE all the postcards and letters you’ve sent to me from various parts of the world over the past few years we’ve known each other!!! And last but not least to Lindy, my newest friend and incredible spirit – you have sent me more letters in recent months than any bill collector has – WHAT A GIFT!!! You’ve sent me inspirational reminders, overwhelming love and support and super girlie goodies that make me smile from ear to ear!! I love and appreciate that you each (and the others of you so kind to send the occasional written correspondence) have taken the time out of your days to send me something special.

It really IS something special to open up your mail box and find something intended only for you in there! And recently I have RECEIVED SO MUCH LOVE IN MY MAILBOX!!!

I don’t know HOW I missed it, but there was a box waiting for me downstairs towards the end of last week. Inside I found the LOVELIEST GREEN SCARF, hand picked for me, by my dear friend Lindy!!! OH HOW I LOVE THIS SCARF!!! Thank you thank you thank you THANK YOU!

Then today, after picking up a package of goodies from FedEx (items I had ordered for a current project) I discovered FOUR cards in the mail for me for my birthday. THANK YOU IVAN! I never ever would have expected a paper pickle in the mail – but there it was, and it made me laugh!

It’s such a time consuming thing to hand write out a letter. In fact, in the past, when I HAVE sent snail mail, there were a few times I typed it up on the computer and then printed it out to send. There were always a few good reasons for this I thought. One, I am a horrible speller and I didn’t want it to have glaring mistakes throughout the letter. Two, my hand writing isn’t amazing. It’s not bad, it’s definitely legible, but it tends to change between three different styles of type by the time I’m done with two pages of text. Weird. Three, I just haven’t been good about making the TIME to send out letters as I should. I know how much I love them and am sure everyone else would love them just the same, yet I don’t send them. WHAT GIVES? Laziness be damned, those cards I’ve gotten with certain people in mind GO OUT THIS WEEK DAMMIT!

Anyway, all this makes me think about the whole idea of correspondence and how we all communicate today with one another. Electronic communications have become such a HUGE part of society, the old fashioned ways of communication have almost gone the way of the Dodo bird! Between phones, text messages, online chat rooms, message boards, blogs, facebook and twitter – we’re all so socially and electronically connected that we get bits and pieces here and there and think we’ve got the whole story, when really, with someone like me, you haven’t heard ANYTHING yet…well, ok, I DO facebook a lot, but still, I only offer up vague inclinations to what I’m thinking about. My status updates could be interpreted a hundred different ways depending on how much of my life you are really privy to.

And I find it almost a little bit sad in a way. I LOVE facebook, don’t get me wrong, it’s my constant friend and companion that keeps me sane sometimes when silly little things would like to do otherwise, but it’s also made me even more lazy about reaching out to those people I haven’t been in touch with as often as I’d like. I used to pick up the phone and call people at least. I’d send more emails, and yes, I even sent a few more cards and letters. I think while things like facebook and twitter DO connect us with those we have completely fallen out of touch with, they also keep things at this weird “status update” or 140 character count level, and no more.  They offer us a glimpse into something, but never really reveal much beyond that taste or snippet.

And they certainly do not offer the intimacy and special feeling provided by sending someone a personalized letter. I don’t know about you, but I certainly don’t open up my facebook homepage and get all twitterpated (sorry, had to) at the site of an “inbox message” or “wall comment”; at least not the same way I would from finding a handwritten letter addressed to me.

After this week of amazing treats in the mail, I think it imperative I do not further add to the loss of such a wonderful tradition and method of correspondence. I vow to send at least one card or letter to SOMEONE every two weeks. It’s a start at least. Once I ease into that, I’ll try to make it at least one handwritten item sent to someone once every week. I’ll do my part to keep the US Postal Service in business, and more importantly, to give the love and smile back to my wonderful friends and family who so generously keep me in mind when they think to send some love through the mail.

After all, isn’t giving back the only real way one can become open enough to truly receive the gifts life has to offer? I’m just sorry I haven’t been better about my correspondences these past few years; everyone I know deserves better than what I’ve sent out.

Again, I must reiterate thanks to my lovely friends who have (and continue to) send me real tangible letters…it absolutely makes my day to receive them!

Happy (hand)writing everyone!
Devin

Posted in birthdays, just 'cause, life, personal, the written word | No Comments »

The Pioneer Woman, aka, Why We Blog, aka, My Man Rocks!

Thursday, November 19th, 2009 11:23 pm

Ever have those moments when everything around you is chaos and turmoil and it’s all swirling around your head in slow motion, trying to creep in on you and bring you down, or at least seriously freak you out? Well, it seems that sort of thing is happening to me a lot these days. To EVERYONE these days, right?

People are loosing their jobs left and right, or are unable to find them to begin with! Everyone is having big time financial struggles (my bank account just shocked the sh*t out of me yesterday when something posted to my account I wasn’t expecting and BAM, where did all my money go?! – suck)! School is just KILLING ME slowly and painfully, and I think some of my teachers are enjoying watching this painful death process (maybe they aren’t, who knows really…). My kitty and what ever it is that ails her…all these things add up and take their toll. It’s very hard in times like these to stay focused and more importantly, positive.

I fight to remain positive every day. I think these days I’ve been luckier than previous days in the positive arena. There are definite reasons for that, but perhaps we’ll get to them later… One thing I do to remain positive is think about all of my role models…all of the people I look up to, the people I respect and those people that I think really handle stress and difficult times not only well, but the way I think I’d like to see myself handling it all.

I think Ree Drummond, author of one of my favorite blogs (The Pioneer Woman) and (bound to be) favorite cookbooks is one of those people. Tonight I went to her cookbook signing (which is a New York Times No. 1 best seller by the by) and was just in awe at how amazingly down to earth she is. This woman is smart, beautiful, talented, genuine, real and approachable. She’s also married to perhaps one of the most dashingly handsome men I’ve ever had the pleasure to meet – true story. She appears to have it all, a truly charmed life. But let’s be real, she isn’t going to really write about all the BAD stuff, which, being that she’s human and all, I’m SURE she experiences as well. Somehow, she always shares stories that enlighten and lift the spirits. She makes us laugh, she makes us tear up (but in a good way) and she always tells us what’s in her heart. No phony lies or anything, just what she’s thinking about.  If you don’t believe me, have a look at her blog (I encourage you to do so anyway…)

When she was doing the Q&A portion of the book signing, she was just SO REAL. Someone asked her about her seemingly charmed life and marriage – if it was the perfect marriage. She responded, “There is no perfect marriage, but my husband is perfect for me…”. She went on to say how she just tries to focus on all the good things and treasure that in her partnership, and apparently he does the same. And ya know, it seems pretty obvious, but we don’t always do that do we? I think one thing she really highlighted for me was that not only is she thankful for all that she has, but she lets those in her life KNOW that she is thankful for them, and everything else.

I don’t think I do that enough. I’m going to work on that.

Anyway…she’s great and hearing her talk in real life was an awesome experience. I feel full of joy, excitement and encouragement to really go out there and make my dreams happen (which is what she did…really, you should read her story!!!)

Sooo…I picked up a few books tonight. Yes, I got one for myself. It’s a goodie already, can’t wait to try out the recipes in there!!! I also shared with her a snippet about my girlie B who couldn’t be there tonight. B introduced me to Pioneer Woman (thanks friend!). I also got to meet the Marlboro Man. Oh. My. Goodness.

Clearly I had seen photos of this man on her blog, but photos do his eyes no justice. They are as blue as the big skies down south. Wow. And you know what? You can just SEE this man is a GOOD MAN. What an INCREDIBLY attractive couple. Seriously. I strive to have a partnership like theirs (I’m not talking physical looks-wise, I’m talking about the real stuff)…one of mutual respect, generosity, forgiveness, understanding, honesty, laughter and love. Booya! These people are a great example of harmony in a partnership. And both were equally friendly and sincere. He even signed all my books under a picture that Ree had taken of him and put in the cookbook – super super cool.

The whole experience was great. My sis came with me to the signing (she was a newbie to this sort of thing) and I met some lovely people while waiting for it all to begin. It was neat to hear the stories of how people found Ree and where they had come from. Very cool. I had forgotten my camera (shame on me!) and Meg forgot hers so I relied on the kindness of two strangers to take my pictures with Ree and send me the files through email. I think I’ll be getting them in a couple days, at which point I’ll share them here. WOO HOO!

K…so enough about Ree, let’s talk about blogging…why do I do it?

I do it because I love to. In my mind, I believe that is reason enough. I do it because it’s a way for me to share thoughts and experiences with people I know (and more that I don’t) that I would otherwise be unable to easily share. It’s a journal for the world to potentially see, and why that scares me a bit (thus me leaving out the very deep personal stuff a lot of the time) it also helps keep ME real. Word.

So I blog because I love to, I blog because I can and I blog because I know that there are at least a couple of you out there that read this and so this is also for you. You all keep me posting, and posting helps to remind me of how lucky I am and being reminded of that keeps me smiling. Thank you for that, by the way. YOU are 50% of the reason why I’m on here!!

Blogging is such a strange thing. It can be as personal or as sterile as the author chooses to make it. We can be as honest or deceitful as we choose to be. For me, I’ve chosen to really try and document things the way I’ve seen and felt them. I try to tell the story as honestly as I can. And I think I share a LOT of the story…with the exception of the “romantic relationships” part.

Why everything else and not that? Well, ya know, if you look back to the beginning of this blog, I definitely talk about a certain someone who is very certainly NOT a someone in my life anymore…and it’s kind of embarrassing to think about how I just put it all out there for the world to know, and then it just blew up in my face. Such a *young* thing to do. I quickly learned from that mistake – not to name specifics like that again, ever! Or at least that was my initial response. But then I made an amendment; once I’m married, I can talk about the significant other, till then, bite my tongue.

Well, clearly I can’t COMPLETELY bite my tongue…I’ve definitely alluded from time to time about there being SOMEONE…when there was someone…if there was someone. Recently and for a while, there was a lot of NO ONES, NO WAYS, NO HOWS! I didn’t want anything to do with a romantic relationships and I just kinda wanted to be a hermit. I spent a lot of time being VERY selfish and really focusing on me and making MY life better – solo.

Best thing I could have done. I’m so much better off NOW than I was even 7 months ago. I can tell you, I am honestly happy. I am just as happy with myself as I used to be when I was in a relationship. In fact, that’s wrong, I’m HAPPIER than I was back in the day, especially the past most recent years. I love my life. I love my friends. I love who I am becoming and I love this feeling of love. Self supplied, self regulated and self controlled. AWESOME!!

I feel like such a lucky girl spiritually, and also in the world of relationships. I’m surrounded by incredible people. I’m inspired daily by my friends and family. And lately I’ve had the good fortune to spend some time with a person that has really taught me a lot about what it’s like to be around someone you really can trust.

Boys and girls, men and women, gentlemen and ladies – this IS the key; trust. At least it’s one of the keys. I think communication is key too. And laughter. And respect. And love.

I feel like I’ve got a few of those keys on my ring right now. And it feels good. It feels solid…

I don’t know what tomorrow will bring, but I do know what today brought me. I met a couple that I admire, a women I strive to be more like, a family like one I hope to be a part of someday, a warm hug, a genuine heart flutter, a twinkle in my eye, some much needed messages from rogue friends who had gone M.I.A., time with my younger sister, time for self reflection, an unexpected and utterly undeniable act of sweetness, a necessary reminder, a box of goodies in the mail, a signed book from an author I love, some sunshine, another day with Sasha and so much more.

When I think about all the little things, I feel like the most blessed individual in the world. And ya know, I’ve got MAJOR issues in my world too…but instead of focusing on that which I have little control, I’m focusing on all the positives that keep me motivated to create change and possibility in my world. I’m focusing on love. I’m focusing on laughter. I’m focusing on blogging and sharing this journey. I’m focusing on you, and I’m focusing on me. The sh*t will continue to hit the fan, but that doesn’t mean I can’t be armored with an umbrella of positive thinking mixed with a little hope right? Right!

Thank you all for sticking by me in my hiatis from this blog. Thank you for sharing my journey. Thank you for listening to me journal, rant and praise. Like I said, you are half he reason why I do this…you help me do something I love. :)

I hope your world is full of wonder and joy. And even if times seem impossibly difficult for you right now, I encourage you to try to find that one glimmer of light, whatever that may be. You know it’s gotta be there somewhere – create the change in your happiness by finding what that little glimmer is and focusing on it till you come across another.

WE CAN DO THIS TOGETHER!!! “Just keep swimming…”

Love and hugs (all hippie like and everything!)
Devin

Ree Drummond (The Pioneer Woman) and me. I'm telling the poor woman a story, what a surprise, right?

Ree Drummond (The Pioneer Woman) and me. I'm telling the poor woman a story, what a surprise, right?

Posted in food for thought, grateful for..., just 'cause, life, personal, the written word | No Comments »

“Thinking About You” – by Mike Taylor

Thursday, July 23rd, 2009 1:21 pm

Some people really like poetry and others do not. I come to find I think poetry is often times like a song and I love songs, I love music, so I guess I also love poetry a lot of the time.

Someone tagged me in a note on Facebook. The person who tagged me in this note with this poem is NOT someone I would expect to share this poem with me, but as always, life knows the right things to do and when to do them even when I am left silently observing and utterly clueless.

This poem couldn’t be more appropriate for someone like me…someone who despite my desire to remain not only positive but eternally optimistic, doubts. Someone who wants to believe the best in people but assumes the worst until they prove otherwise. Someone who keeps such a heavily guarded mote, gate and wall around the castle that is her heart, I might actually be missing out on the best parts of life for fear of feeling pain again.

Yes, someone like that…someone who questions everything in her head and to her friends to death the way the guys in Office Space beat up that fax machine…this is the sort of poem I should read, probably daily. Even if it’s not true (which my doubting heart almost always believes is the case) maybe I’d be happier if I lived in that ignorant bliss not just believing but KNOWING this poem were true.

Of course, at the end of the poem, it seems the writer does in fact let the person know they are thinking about them, and therefor the questioner gets a concrete answer…

But there I go again, being doubtful Devin. For such a positive minded and genuinely optimistic person, I can be such a weirdo…really, I need to lighten up, on myself first, and then on others. Whether I think any of us have earned it or deserve it or not…I need to LIGHTEN UP!

ANYWAY…that’s a lot of blah blah blah (from the heart but still) before I let you read an already long poem. I’m sure many of you won’t even finish it, but I encourage you to try. I think it’s a lovely piece of writing. One that rings REALLY true to my heart…

Please, to enjoy…

Thinking About You
By Mike Taylor

Yesterday you asked me if I think about you during the day
In class or on the bus
Do I ever wonder who you’re with or what you’re thinking about
Well…. I’m in math class right now…

And I’m thinking about you like crazy, like…
Hands think about holding
And arms think about folding
And minds think about not thinking, but knowing

I’m thinking about you like…
Feet think about socks and socks think about shoes
I’m thinking about you like…
Rock and metal think about screaming
Like blues thinks about rhythm
Like hip-hop thinks about…. hoes?

I’m thinking about you like…
Tops think about spinning
And rocks think about sitting
And cops think about…. arresting people

I’m thinking about you like people think about a clock five minutes before a shift ends

I’m thinking about you like…
A thinks about being with C
And B thinks about seeing D
And E effing G
And H eyeing J

I’m thinking about you like…
White and black think about making grey on a paint pallet
Like night thinks about making day in the morning
Like rain clouds think about pouring

I’m thinking about you like…
Math analysis thinks about being boring…
(Because, seriously, any class this boring has had to take some serious thought so…)
I’m thinking about you like the last problem on this math quiz!

I’m thinking about you like…
Bugs think about grass
And thugs think about….grass
Like students think about class
Like ladies think about class
Like lower middle class people think about flying first class to places they only dream about like New Zealand or France

I’m thinking about you like….
Pilots think about the horizon
Like clouds think about the wind
And the wind thinks about the trees
And teenage boys think about the birds and the bees
And the bees think about the queen and making honey
And honey I’m thinking about you like…. crazy….

Like mattresses think about springs
And winter thinks about spring
Who thinks about summer and it doesn’t matter
What season it is when I’m thinking about you
It’s always sunny
Like rainbows and bunnies

And I’m thinking about you like…
Rich people think about making money
And broke people think about making money
And when I think about you
The whole world makes…cents…

Let me go change
I’m thinking about you when I’m getting dressed
Because before I step up on stage
When I look in the mirror
You’re the only one I’m trying to impress

I’m thinking about you like…
Boats think about floating
And paddles think about rowing
And poets think about flowing
I’m thinking about you like…
Bankers think about loaning
And renters think about owning
And stoners think about… throwing rocks

I’m thinking about you like…
Keyboards think about keys
And keys think about unlocking locks
Like Goldilocks still thinks about bears
Like bears think about being cool

I’m thinking about you like…
Refrigerators think about being cool
And microwaves think about being hot
Like kids think about breaking rules
Like targets think about getting shot

I’m in math class right now, not trying to get you off my mind
Just off the sin cosin and tangent lines I’m graphing

I’m thinking about you like…
Numbers think about adding
Like cripples think about standing
I’m thinking about standing up
And walking out

I’ll say I have to go to the bathroom
Or something
And I can find out who you’re with
And what you’re doing
And what you’re thinking about
But… I think you’re in class right now too
So I’ll text you
I’m thinking about you

Send.

Posted in commentary, food for thought, just 'cause, life, personal, the written word | 4 Comments »

cleaning *sucks*

Sunday, March 15th, 2009 9:02 pm

I loosely made a pact with myself a while back that if I brought something in than I had to take something OUT of my apartment.

So far I’ve not been the best at this because I do not count taking things out of my apartment to bring over to the studio in this equation. Today Jamie hosted a book exchange and it was the first one I’ve ever been to. Because I ended up bring books with me HOME, I had to take something out! This, my friends, was not so easy. Anyway, back to the book exchange…

I don’t have many books so my original plan was to just make a donation to the place all the left over books were going to be donated to, but then I picked up a couple I felt I could part with, “Dirty Weekend” and a chicklet I never read called “Under the Duvet”, then I donated $3. Both of the books I brought disappeared, and I have a feeling who ever donated a ton of chicklets herself is the same person who walked away with the two books I brought.

I took a smattering of books…I’m SOOOOO excited I can’t even express it in words! One book I’m probably most excited about is called “The Singer” by Calvin Miller. The cover art is AWESOME Alan Lee style illustration work which captured my attention right away. THEN, the back of the book said this, “The Singer is a narrative in the tradition of C.S. Lewis and J. R. R. Tolkien…” and I didn’t need to read any further, I was already hooked. The Lion, Witch and the Wardrobe is probably one of my favorite stories and The Lord of the Ring series changed my life, soooo clearly I had to have this book.

I picked up a couple easy read chicklets and also picked up some more *serious* literature such as “Swann’s Way” by Marcel Proust, “The Greenlanders” by Jane Smiley, “My Antonia” by Willa Cather and “The Kiss and other stories” by Anton Chekhov. All of which I can’t wait to dive into! Jamie had pulled a couple books she thought I should like aside for me which was really nice – “Hair Hat” by Carrie Snyder, “Prodigal Summer” by Barbara Kingslover and “A Peculiar Feeling of Restlessness” four chapbooks of short short fiction by four women: Amy L. Clark, Elizabeth Ellen, Kathy Fish and Claudia Smith.

Jame Patterson’s “Suzanne’s Diary for Nicholas” caught my attention and went into my *yes pile* after I flipped to the first page where it stated in large font, “James Patterson Has Written The Love Story of the Year”. Done and done. I LOVE love stories… :) I about jumped with excitement when I saw “The Friday Night Knitting Club” by Kate Jacobs because I’ve been eying it for a while (it’s such a girlie book cover and it makes me think of the fun I had with the few Stitch ‘N Bitch’s we held last summer), so I quickly snapped it up even though it had been there for a while and no one else was jumping on it.

I also picked up one for Meghan who wasn’t able to attend because she was helping someone paint their place. It’s called “Pink Slip Party” by Cara Lockwood, and I thought it seemed like it might be a good one for her since she still remains jobless in this shitty economic situation. It looked like a fun read and then Jamie confirmed it saying it had come off her very own book shelf!

I missed a couple good ones like "Blink" which I had eyed and there were TWO COPIES of, but I think I’ll eventually pick it up another time – I couldn’t take ALL the good books right! ha ha…I think I had also seen "Grapes of Wrath" in there which I eventually want to re-read, but I might be making that up. REALLY, I am soooo excited with the books I got, I cannot complain one bit!!! I wish it were summer and I could just READ FOR PLEASURE AND LEISURE again!!!

Alas, that will have to wait a few more months while I finish up this dreaded semester. It’s not dreaded, I take that back…but it’s very very stressful since soon they will be telling me I can continue onto thesis or (and more likely) that I cannot. Then the summer will be spent creating work that proves I’m ready for thesis (which of course I am but I just don’t think they understand that). *Sigh*. School…

ANYWAY…the reason for this post was to share my excitement over today’s goodies collected. And then to express my absolute LOATHING for having to REMOVE stuff from my place. I don’t even really mind getting rid of things. I can sometimes be RUTHLESS, but sometimes…not so much. It’s more the actual REMOVAL part that I hate, the taking it down the flights of stairs to the dumpsters or alley. Maybe I’m just being a princess again. It’s my thing. I rather do a billion dishes that takes an hour than take out trash!

All that being said, I have been good…I’ve taken out a few things to the alley and then of course gone through and removed all the trash that had collected over the past two weeks. Now I’m contemplating going to the studio (or not) to work on more homework, or if I should GO TO BED EARLY and be bright eyed and pushy tailed for tomorrow and working late in the studio after work work. Hmmm…I should at least bring some supplies over to the studio if I do nothing else.

Well…I hope everyone had a lovely, productive and enjoyable weekend with sunshine and warmer weather. I know I was LOOOOOVING the 50+ degree temperatures. It definitely had me smiling!

Toodaloo for now and happy reading!

Posted in just 'cause, the written word | 3 Comments »

because i can’t keep my mouth shut…

Friday, February 27th, 2009 11:34 pm

this will be a rant
this will seem ridiculous
i don’t really care.
it is what it is for me
this isn’t for you.

i keep waiting for the momentary relief that never comes
i don’t look so pretty
and i don’t feel that well.

on my ride home i read
but my mind was on you.

you are not one person

my mind is always swimming
around thoughts of you.

i do things because they are the right thing to do,
i know they are,
i know what i’m doing – now
but i hate it
because it’s not what i want to do
i don’t say what i want to say
because it’s the right thing to do
it’s how we play the game.

sometimes i see you and i need to look away,
i stammer,
i clam up.

i want to walk straight up to you
firmly pull you close to me
one hand pressing on your lower back
the other drawing your face close to mine,
and i want to kiss you
passionately
i think i would cry

i think about you and i get angry and i want to throw things
i want to scream and yell in your face
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME YOU FUCKER
can you even hear me
do you even think of me
do you even remember…
any of it

i fucking hate you
because i do not hate you

i love you

i despise you

i want you so so desperately.

i don’t know when i realized i felt this way…
i looked at your face
at your smile
at your photograph that captured the essence of you

and despite myself i smiled
and i yearned for you
for your touch
for your scent
for your taste
for your voice

i.fucking.hate.you

but not you…

you are too perfect and too precious to me
this is why i have to walk away from you
why i cannot speak to you
because i don’t want to speak to you
i want to kiss your perfectly pouty rose petal lips

those soft delicate lips
i want to kiss them slowly
i want to kiss them deeply
i want to kiss them gently
i want my lips to rest on yours…

i want to take you somewhere and not speak with words
i want to show you things and never let your hand go
i want to be bold as i know you want me to be bold

and i can’t

because it’s not what is meant to be…
at least not right now.

i do what i do because i care so much and it drives me insane

you drive me insane

why did you do this to me
how did you do this to me
what happened to me

i love you
and it’s always been you
and i hate you for it
fucker.

you make me cry in the middle of the night
you make my heart hurt when i hear your name
the lack of your presence kills my spirit
my smiles are fake so no one asks me what’s wrong

you are what’s wrong…
what you do to my heart is what’s wrong

WHY DO YOU DO THIS TO ME

why

i loathe you because i once loved you

i despise you because you are everything i knew you to be
but didn’t want to believe

i hardly ever think of you now except to pass judgement
which makes me hate you more
because somehow you are still there
in my mind
burning me with your fucking smile
your jerkish ways
your confident swager

i despise the person you are
…because i once was under your spell

but you…not you…not you…

you, precious
precious you

not you my darling that i cannot have
i cannot be with
i would never be enough for you
i would never give you what you want
i would hate myself for not being enough for you
i would hate you for knowing that i’m not enough for you
and baiting me still,
to fall in love with you.

you deserve better
which is why i walk away

i deserve better
which is why i hope i never see you again

we deserve better
which is why i wish you were here
with me
right now

fuck.

i hate you

i want you

i love you.

(you are not just you…)

fuck.

~~~
-Note from the author (me):
People have a tendency to read fiction and assume that it is autobiographical in some way. In many cases I imagine that parts of it are, but we also know that there are many cases when the whole thing is made up.

I do not claim this poem to be either, but am simply labeling this a work of fiction. It’s a dark poem…it’s aggressive and raw and – I think – sad and conflicted even. HOWEVER, if you have been following my blog, I think you would notice that I, Devin Schuyler, (the author) an not really that sad or conflicted right now. I’m stressed and perhaps over worked, but I am happy with my life and who I am. I’m just trying my hand at fiction writing, working on things I have heard about, felt myself, or just seem interesting to me.

To my friends: do not worry yourselves reading this poem. Already I’ve received a couple texts and emails…I smile at the love and support you all have offered. I also smile that you read my blog. This is not a cry for help or comfort or anything…it’s a work of fiction (which is why one of the category labels I gave it is “works in progress”.) I’m working on becoming a better fiction writer…I’ve got a long way to go, but my blog is a great outlet for me to get some of the ideas I’m working on out there.

I hope to write about life and emotions of the human spirit/heart. I hope people can connect with what I’m writing, or imagine a connection. Maybe you’ve felt this way before, maybe not.

In either case – I’m writing this note to remind people that not EVERYTHING posted on this blog is autobiographical. What is it that they post at the end of movies? Something about all characters and places of the film are fictitious and any similarities to actual persons and places is purely coincidental etc… Yeah, you can think about my “artistic” blog entries like that. I’m trying to grow as an artist/writer, so sometimes you might read something that seems like me, but do not always make that assumption because it’s on “the blog” that it IS about me.

Love to all… :)
Devin

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moving boxes and such…

Monday, January 26th, 2009 4:57 pm

For those of you not living in the Chicagoland area, let me tell you how very cold it’s been here. I thought last winter was brutal, but this winter is actually much worse. Last year we got more snow, but was always warm enough every other day to melt it, then it would snow again, and melt again and the cycle went on till March.

This year, it’s been very cold, below freezing with wind chills at negative 30. It’s snowed quite a bit in inches, and stayed so cold that it hasn’t melted away. On my short walk from apartment building to el/bus stop, my nose hairs become frozen. In the past three weeks, there hasn’t been a time where I’ve blown my nose without having blood in it, and I think that’s because it’s just so darn cold, my nostrils are suffering and becoming quite raw and agitated. It’s a real rough situation when you are as much of a weenie about cold as I am.

I’ll admit, I’ve been better this winter than any other winter in my history of cold winters here in Chicago, but it’s getting harder.

The grey days are getting bleaker and the snow is getting dirtier and we are only getting deeper into the belly of the cold beast that currently is our Chicago winter. I need more sunshine and day light. I need more warmth. The greyness is trying to get me down.

Of course, I’m not taking it easily. I’m fighting back. I just replaced the light bulbs in my bedroom with true rainbow spectrum bulbs that make my room look so delightfully bright and cheery! All the colors in my bedroom are suddenly popping again, it’s wonderful! But sadly, most of my day is spent under fluorescent office lamps and then fluorescent bulbs at school. When I come home and am in my bedroom again, it’s usually to catch a little shut eye before I wake up early and start the madness that is my days all over again.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not actually *complaining* here, I’m just sort of venting/explaining. Really I think I’m handeling my “winter blues” better than I usually do, and that is definitely in part to my devotion to getting my small projects done.

This January 1st I started my “doodle a day” project and have been giving that my all ever since. I’m very pleased with the results I’m seeing on that front. In so doing, I believe my mind is opening up to better and more creative ideals of things I’d really like to try out and for that I am most grateful! I also attribute this opening and unclouding of my mind to the amount of reading I’ve been doing lately. I’m really excited and pleased with myself for having read as much as I have this month.

I can say in all (slightly shameful) honesty, that this is the most I’ve ever read in one month in terms of books of my choosing. I started and completed three books this month already, Dewey, No one belongs here more than you, and Dirty Weekend. Yesterday I found my copy of The Bell Jar and after skimming over it realized I needed to start again from the beginning, which I did on my bus ride down to work. I’m on page 15 and imagine that by the time I get home I will be on page 30. I know, to some of you avid readers out there, 30 pages in one day doesn’t seem like a lot, but it’s a pretty big deal for me.

I’ve overcome a lot of car sickness to be able to read on a bus or the el. I still can’t read in cars for some reason. I’m a slow reader and distractions and slow me down even more, but I find that I’ve gotten better about reading while sitting in the middle of a lot of noise and movement. I’m thrilled that I’m able to see improvement in this area. If all goes well, I’ll be able to finish the book by Saturday or Sunday which will bring my tally up to four books read in one months time. Yes, this is huge for me.

Some people can just blow through, and don’t get me wrong, if I could just sit for a fwe hours and read, I’d blow through a lot faster as well, but as it stands, my ONLY free time to read is while in transit on the CTA. If you think of it in those terms, you might be more excited for me on how good I feel about actually getting some good reading done!

Next on the bill I’ve got The Time Travelers Wife, The Mists of Avalon, The Dark Tower (book 1) and Twilight. I imagine that will take me WELL into the summer as those books are crazy long and dense AND my heavily loaded spring semester is just getting started where I will have loads of homework and tons of OTHER reading I’ll be needing to do.

Anyway…this was just sort of a little personal rant on a couple aspects of my life that were in the forefront of my mind today. I feel like my thoughts, despite being dead tired from no sleep last night, have remainded clearer for these reasons, and I’m excited to have found an escape form the weirdo’s on the CTA that helps to brighten my day, open my mind, become a better reader, speak more intelligently by reintroducing me to “big words” and feel a touch better educated and creative. WOO HOO!

Yay books!

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My pal, Dewey Readmore Books

Friday, January 16th, 2009 9:22 am

Soooo I know I’ve mentioned a couple of times that I am reading a book called Dewey: The Small-Town Library Cat Who Touched the World by Vicki Myron and Bret Witter.

Now, more often than not, when I’m reading this book, I find myself tearing up all over the place. I mean, I’ll be sitting on the bus, tear tear tear, I’m sitting on the el, tear, I’m standing in the elevator, tear, I pass by Borders and see it on the Best Seller Stand, tear…and it’s because it’s such a beautiful REAL LIFE story that isn’t asking for your sympathy or pity or even understanding. It’s not ASKING for anything other than for you to just…listen. Read. Remember. Reflect.

I finally finished Dewey earlier this week…I cried. It reminded me of when I finished the Lord of the Rings series on the metra train back home and I cried like a baby who lost it’s favorite toy. Ivan picked me up from the station and when he saw my puffy read face and asked me what was wrong I just started crying agian. I felt like I had lost my friends…that they had moved away, into the deep beyond where I wouldn’t be able to follow and I wouldn’t be able to write. I would be able to relive what we had, what we shared, but I wouldn’t be able to build upon that more…

Dewey’s ending was much like that. The story was complete and so it goes…life continues on and I must continue on forward without my little fury friend and all of his adventures in small town Iowa. I’m thankful for Dewey and how reading about him gave me a better understanding (and thus a greater appreciation for) the Great Plains of this country…

Thank you Dewey, for having such a compelling story…thank you Vicki for sharing his and yours with all of the world. I will encourage anyone with a heart to give this book your attention and open heart. I couldn’t recommend this book more…not because I’m a cat person, but because despite myself, I’m a people person, and this is a book about people and their town and the towns library cat…

…next on the bill: No one belongs here more than you. Stories by Miranda July. I’m already more than halfway through. So far, it’s pretty incredible, though a HUGE difference from Dewey which made it quite jarring at first. But I’m finding Ms July’s book to be quite inspiring and exciting…thank you Amanda, for giving me such an awesome birthday present!!!

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"In a world, where laughter is king…"

Tuesday, November 18th, 2008 1:19 am

“Ah, no in a world Jack!”
“What do you mean, no in a world?”
“It’s…not that kind of movie.”
“Oh? OK.”

Boy…I just gotta say, what a day. What a very very long day. All in all it was a good day, fairly productive, but looooong.

It started with me oversleeping (never a good sign) getting to the bus stop just in time to realize that I’ve forgotten my uPass at home and I have nothing smaller than a ten on me as the bus pulls up. Crud.

Then I end up getting to work (on time thanks to a taxi) and realize I’ve forgotten my phone on my bed…at home. Man!

Work was busy (as are all Mondays at the hospital) and today was no different except that I was feeling so tired I could have (and almost did) fallen asleep at my desk. True story.

I cleaned Tangerine’s bowl and set out to do my work. And boy did I do some…but it was just steady today.

I broke up the monotony with a much needed trip for an extra shot of espresso latte and went about my business. I sent a few emails, freaked out about deadlines I had misunderstood and real ones that are sneaking up on me. Not a real freak out…just, you know, shit, this has to get done…NOW.

I ended up leaving work a little late, and then went straight to school. I got to school a touch before 6 pm. I didn’t leave school until after 11 pm this evening. Humph.

What was I doing? Pulling paper…large sheets of paper, for my installation. I think I pulled a few sheets…hopefully they will be “usable”. I used up all my pulp and some of Amanda’s generously donated and very very stinky pulp. While working with the mold and deckle, I realized I was killing my finger…it’s a swollen mess. OH FINGER! WHY DID YOU HAVE TO BREAK?!?! Sigh. The water mixed with my pulp was really freaking cold too. Boo.

Robert (a third year) came by at one point…he offered some helpful hints before heading out for the night. Amy and I pulled paper till we had no more time left. Then we pressed…and my pages got f’ed in the press (a little, oh well). Then we went to put stuff away.

While doing so, I tried to kill myself. The floors in the paper making studio are covered in somewhat standing water, and despite being in grippy rubber bottomed boots, I went flying through the air, bucket of water flying up and outwards, eyeglasses flying off my face and arms out wide as I came crashing down to the very wet floor. My mouth was open too…and some nasty bucket water found it’s way into said open mouth (major ew).

Yeah…I’m probably gonna say this only once…I’ve never been so thankful for my flabby butt or thunder thighs, cause REALLY, that’s what saved my hip and helped me not really hurt myself by breaking (and padding) my fall. Amy was terrified and hysterically laughing at the same time. I sprung back up quickly and started laughing myself…half out of nervousness and fear, half out of the shear hilariousness of me falling like that. I mean, people, I wiped out!

Remember a little over a year ago me writing about falling (as in sumersaulting) down the stair well of the Old Prentice? Yeah, well this was nearly as scary but hurt me far far less. I feel totally fine…just slightly embarrased for wiping out like I did…in FRONT of people. ha ha…I’m kind of laughing again, just thinking about how silly I KNOW I had to have looked. If you know Amy Jacobs, you can ask her about it…she probably won’t be able to tell the story without either laughing or seeming concerned for how hard and CRAZY it looked like I fell…

*sigh*

We continued cleaning, hung our paper to dry and went on our merry ways…

I finally found my way to the train…I smelled REALLY bad from stinky pulp, the sweat inducing dungeon (basements) where they keep the B&P students studio’s and the nasty paper making water I soaked myself with when I fell. Ew. And, I was tired.

The one thing I was looking forward to on the train was some solid down time…time for my brain to shut off and unwind.

I’m really glad that I had brought my latest book with me (a guilty pleasure from some best sellers list) Dewey by Vicki Myron. Dewey is about a kitten that was stuffed into the library drop box in a small town in Iowa back in the 80′s on the coldest night of the year. Dewey brought the whole town together, or so the jacket of the book cover promises.

I’m currently on page 40 of Dewey…and loving every single second of it. It’s a quick read, but one that brings tears to my eyes every single page. Not sad tears, but tears of understanding and tears of joy. I’m such an animal lover, that hearing about Dewey’s story makes me think of my own little special kitten, Sasha.

Anyway, I’ve got much to do, but my down time with Dewey and Vicki and the lovely people of Spencer Iowa made my night ride home a little lighter and a tad bit faster.

Now, I’ve got to shower (because I still stink) and set two alarms for tomorrow (so I don’t oversleep) and head to beeeeed (so I can dream of sweet things).

Lately I’m averaging less than 5 hours a night for sleep. It’s official, we’ve hit that point in the semester where I’m actually brain dead most of the time and functioning at about half my usual capability.

*blehhhhh* Sorry gang.

I can say this much though, besides Dewey and my real life kitties to keep me smiling and grateful for everything I have and the companionship and loyal love they give me, I’ve got someone else to be thankful for brightening my days…and I hope she knows who she is. I find her stunning and engaging and inspiring and supportive…Consequently, I find myself very very lucky.

So as you can see, despite having no brain, and feeling not too much like my fully put together self, I am still managing everything with a relatively LOW level (if any actually) of stress, and keeping a very optimistic, positive and excited outlook on my future going strong in my heart and in my smile.

I may not be totally with it lately, or as sharp as I usually like to think I am, but I know that this will pass, and I’m lucky for these unexpected little extras I have (like my saddle bags) because clearly I see that they will help me get back up without being hurt, should I fall.

Does any of this make sense?

Bottom line: Yep, I’m tired, yeah, I’m a little behind, true, I’m a bit sleep deprived, but dammit – I’m happy.

good night (or for some…good morning!)
Devin

And just for the fun of it…because it always makes me smile…I give you the trailer for the movie Comedian.

Please, to enjoy…

Posted in animals, commentary, just 'cause, life, personal, public transportation, the written word, works in progress | 1 Comment »

It’s been a year…look how far we’ve come…

Thursday, November 13th, 2008 8:14 am

A year ago, the world as I knew it shattered (again) into a thousand fragmented pieces. Something I had invested a lot of time, love, care and energy into completely went belly up on me. And I felt sort of blind sided by it. I felt lost and hurt and confused and moments of anger, but mostly sadness and sorrow.

Deep in my heart I knew what had happened…I guess, been happening…obviously was inevitable to happen. Trust a snake, and you are bound to get bit. Actually, I take that back…because I think snakes are cool and I trust animals way more then I trust most humans (unless you are Barack Obama in which case I just think you are one of the closest things to the second coming we have…I think he can probably walk on water…). But besides President Elect Barack Obama, I don’t really trust human nature since we live in such a self indulgent world where boys are being raised to be selfish boys and never forced to grow up, and girls are still unaware that they deserve better. No, let’s say something like, if you trust someone who has yet to prove them self trustworthy, you are bound to get shit on – like they’ve done to everyone else in their life before you.

That’s better than dragging some poor snake into it, let’s just be real about it right?!

And so, a year ago that’s exactly what happened. I got shit on by someone I should never have trusted or even exposed myself to. But at the time, when it all went to pot, I turned it all on me…again. What did I do wrong this time? What didn’t I do enough of? How can I be better? How can I make things better?

Oh god, too much to even think about and recall…I was in a bad place and I felt worse about myself than I had felt in SEVERAL YEARS. The road to recover was one hell of an uphill, crater ridden, obstacle laden, poison ivied mess! It didn’t help that I was working full time and had just started grad school full time. I felt like I was being beaten down by everything and everyone.

OK, not everyone. I knew I had the support and love of my friends, and they buoyed me when I really couldn’t keep myself afloat, but sometimes even their love couldn’t prevent me from slipping into the blackness of prickly, splintery, aggressively negative and all consuming sorrow I would get lost in. I definitely visited that terrible pit of despair…and a serious depression followed.

It wasn’t the first time I had found myself in such an awful place, but it was the first time where I had felt I truly, on all counts, didn’t deserve it. I really felt like I had done damn near my best. No, I wasn’t perfect, of course their needed to be things about myself I changed and continued to make better, but I really felt like I had given a LOT of myself to this *thing* and having learned from all my failed attempts in the pasts and all my mistakes, I was doing so much better. I just didn’t understand how it all fell apart. But that was because I was looking at it through jaded eyes in a reflecting glass.

When I finally learned the truth about the major events that lead to my surprise loss, I was finally able to start healing…slowly. Knowing the truth I was able to recognize that it wasn’t so much about me this time. Or things I had or had not done. It really wasn’t. And that was important for me to recognize and learn because I was beating myself up over something that was never really worth my time, love and support in the first place.

I can’t really say much about what “it” was specifically, but I can describe it as selfish, childish, negative, malicious, having complete disregard for others, ruthless, stupid, deceitful, angst, lonely, sneaky, hungry, tacky, classless, lazy, cowardly, weak, careless, envious, thoughtless, pathetic, jealous and ultimately – typical.

Now, this isn’t to imply that I was 100% faultless in the matter; but I’m pretty sure my part in it’s demise was much smaller and far less NEGATIVE than all that listed above. My biggest part was insecurity – but seeing as how I was not wrong to feel that way since the deceit had been happening, slowly, for over months, I’m sure that’s why I felt it in the first place.

Wow…I haven’t visited this thought in a while, but today marks one year, and it’s important for me to reflect upon it all, remember it, write about it for posterity’s sake and then be completely done with it for good.

Ahh…it’s almost refreshing. That weird mourning period is over. It’s been over for a long while now (thank goodness), but I feel like today marks that glorious spot where I can say “fuck it, I’m done with this shit!”. And guess what people – I AM done with that kind of shit.

In the past year I have learned so much about my own inner strength and will to not only survive but to better myself and move forward. To progress in life with POSITIVITY and grace. And to help create and make my own happiness. I’ve done so by remembering the joys in the little things…reminding myself daily (grateful for lists anyone?) of everything that I do have to be happy and feel lucky about and making a concerted effort to be the best version of ME I can be.

And I have to say this, I really like who I am. I have so many “flaws” and “faults”, but I’ve even grown to love those. Holy shit people, what I’m saying here is that I’ve grown to love myself! This is not an easy thing for people to do…especially if you grew up surrounded by negativity constantly attacking you (as I did). But how wonderful to recognize that yes, indeed, I do love myself, along with all my shortcomings…

There are days, of course, where I look in the mirror and think, “Dammit Devin, get your shit together!” but those days are normal for any self reflective, open minded person. I’m not stopping here people! I want to grow and continue to change and better myself for the rest of my life! I have gone to great lengths to remove the negativity that had been collecting in my world. I continue to fight the urges to say things that do not promote positivity. Yes, I lapse from time to time, I fall off the wagon, but instead of beating myself up about it or taking a defeatist attitude about it, I dust myself back off and get the fuck back on that train to happiness. Ain’t no stopping me now people.

When times get tough, I always think of three things (and I think Obama has helped to add a fourth):

  1. Never give up. Never surrender!
  2. I’ve got the bestest of best friends in the entire world!!
  3. I CAN love, I DO love and I AM love!!!
  4. And baby, YES WE (I) CAN!!!

On this major day of reflection before this strange chapter of my life gets put away, I sit at my desk smiling to myself for the gratefulness I feel for all the blessings I have in my life. All the people, all the joys, all the trials and tribulations, all the challenges and challengers, all the simples things and the BIG things, all that is good and even those things that are less than so…

I feel stronger and ready and happy for the days ahead of me. I’m even looking forward to my 30th birthday which I would have never thought possible moths/years before now.

I’ve got this happy, thrilled, solid, strong, pulsing, beaming, POSITIVE yet quiet contentment with where I am in my life and what I am doing. I would like to take this opportunity to thank everyone who’s played a major role in this place of happiness I find myself and to all my positive, loving, strong beautiful and magical friends that I have; without you all, I doubt I would have made it here so quickly – today, YOU all are my champions and I honor YOU!

Thank you all…

With love,
Devin

Now, I will celebrate this point in my life with a list (and possible links) to songs that I feel represent the many emotions and thoughts that I’m thinking and feeling…

Please, to enjoy…

Recovery – New Buffalo (thanks Ivan, for finding me this song…)

All These Things That’s I’ve Done – The Killers (I do think I’m a soldier, but this song makes me dance…)
Link to the music video

Stronger – Britney Spears (we share the same birthday!)
Link to music video

Paper Planes – M.I.A. (this one also makes me dance, and I like to shoot air guns…)

Fidelity – Regina Spektor

What Goes Around…Comes Around – Justin Timberlake (oh yeah…it’s just soooo right, and JT is sooooo sexy…I forgive him for using ScarJo for this video since she does play the perfect cheating slut ;)
Link to music video

Desert – Emilie Simon (this makes me think of someone lovely…and that someone makes me smile)

Believe – Cher (I can’t wait to sing this on my b-day)

Le Disko – Shiny Toy Guns (love to dance, love the lyrics, love the hot chic singing…)
Link to music video

…and now, I’m gonna figure out where to get my celebratory cake from!

Posted in birthdays, commentary, grateful for..., just 'cause, life, my friends are talented, personal, the written word, works in progress | No Comments »

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