"I wish I was a dancer..."

The funny thing about grad school is how for some people, it really is the most gratifying experience, and for others, it just sucks the life right out of you. I guess that’s the difference between being in the right program and not, huh?

While my program wasn’t all bad (in fact, it was quite amazing despite those in the department head roles that would like to destroy it’s potential) it really did take a toll on me mentally and emotionally which I think really affected me physically. It’s been a few months now, and I still feel utter exhaustion. It’s kind of weird. But oddly, as the weather seems to be cooling, I also seem to be getting my mojo back. For this, I am ever grateful.

...rediscovering who I want to be...

No more morose Devin…no more low energy Devin…no more excuses Devin. Well, ok, so I can always make up excuses, but I’m not looking to do that. I’m looking to shake all the silliness, all the self imposed self doubt (again) and move forward. Working on thesis was taxing to say the least, and really it was thesis that ended up being the final nail in the coffin of badness for me. When I entered into my proposed project I was in such a great place with who I was and how I felt about myself (on the outside as well as on the in) which has always been a struggle for me, but I had NO IDEA how my thesis project was going to kick me in the ass. I spent hours upon hours, day after day having photos taken of me (that were not in my control) and then editing them. IT WAS KILLER! I remembered all the physical flaws about myself I had worked so hard to love, forgive and accept about me. I started to hate the way I looked again which only made me feel horrible about myself. Blech. It sucked. I was so much harder on myself than I needed to be! But I was so sleep deprived and confused and stressed and freaking busy, I didn’t have time to stop and think about my project (and my looks) rationally!

But ya know what? I feel like all of that is behind me. No more worrying about what I think about myself – I just have to focus on being the best version of me again – WITHOUT THE CONSTRAINTS OF MY PROGRAM!!! Oh god…it feels like I’ve lost 30 pounds. The weight of the program was stifling. But now I am free…and with each day further away from my last class, from my last assignment, I feel more and more creatively inspired.

So…where does my inspriation come from? For some artists, being all anxty and depressed does wonders for their art work but not for me. I work best when I am happiest. I create more when I’m excited and giddy and smiley. I see beautiful things (the sunshine peeking through the clouds over the lake, whithered up flowers along the running path, new parents looking at their child…) and I burst at the seams with happiness and just want to create.

"I choose not to be afraid of such beauty"

I’m certainly not going to fight the good feelings when they come to me. Now my only real issue is making time for the creative process. With my three marathons rapidly approaching, training is in fuller than full swing. Throw in the 8 to 4:30 job and my day is DONE. BUT, I will not let that stop me. I’m fortunate enough to have a supportive group of people in my life that encourage me to reach for my dreams and follow my passions, and I’m even luckier to be with someone who completely understands me holing up in my studio working away whenever I choose/need to. I’m a very lucky person. Despite the silly tests and roadblocks I find in front of me, ultimately I’m still going and I keep trying. EVENTUALLY, I really will make all of my dreams come true. In the meanwhile, I’m working on taking baby steps. Focusing on one piece of the puzzle/project/goal list at a time.

Three weeks ago it was to hunker down and get serious about my running – which I have done. I’ve run at least 60 or so miles these past three weeks. YES! Two weeks ago it was to get to work ON TIME for two weeks in a row. Last Friday, when I clocked in at 8:03am, I completed that goal. Success! I’ll continue with getting to work on time and this  week I’m tackling the next thing on the list; being better about regular posts both here and on Leaping Lizard. In addition to posting – I plan on making sure each post has some pictures, because pictures always make posts more enjoyable, don’t you think?!

finding joy in the end of summer colours...

For now, I’m looking ahead, something I always find myself focusing on again after having lost my way for a year or so…I lost myself a little in the program, but each day away I find another little bit of the person I was before all that drama, and it feels so good!

So, where do I find my inspiration from these days? From my friends, from photographs, from photographs of my friends… From the breeze whistling through the trees and from the smell of boardwalk underneath the Diversey El stop. Fortunately, when I’m happy like this, it’s everywhere – now I can’t wait to focus more of my energy into the creative flow of ink on paper…or images on the screen. Whatever, I’m getting back in it, and as my bestie always jokingly says, “I’m in it to win it!” I’m ready to win at life baby! Here I come, (whether I’M) ready or not!!!

YAHOOOOOO!

(yes, I know and fully accept that I am truly a nerd. thanks.

Yes folks, it’s the not-so-infamous Devin, ready to get right back into it. Finally.

As you may have noticed, I haven’t posted here for ages. But now that  my graduate thesis show has come and gone, I’m making a come back! Risen from the dead in a way…the death of one version of me having come from grad school.

All the hard work, all the labor, all the tears and frustrations and small victories led to something I almost can’t recall doing anymore; A THESIS! – MY Thesis…holy shi*t. But thank goodness IT IS DONE!!!

Grad school was such a strange experience. In the three years I was in graduate school, I’ve learned some incredible things about the world, art, my friends and family and most importantly about myself. While in retrospect I can appreciate some of the many ways I was forced to grow, I can also honestly say – I don’t miss a damn freaking thing about grad school other than the people in the program that I liked. And the list of those people is rather small. That being said I met some of the most inspiring, intellectual, kind hearted and good natured folks you could ever hope to meet.

Over the coming weeks/months/years I’m sure I’ll come back and reflect on that period of time in my life when everything was just constantly GO GO GO GO GO and remember the good times and the bad with a knowing smile – I SURVIVED MOTHA TRUCKAHS!!! I SURVIVED!!! And I’m better for it, to be sure. But again, the school part? I don’t miss a single moment of it.

So, after the graduation ceremony and the thesis show I still had one credit to satisfy which I finally just finished two weeks ago. HOT DAMN FOLKS, it feels amazing to be free again. But even though I had that one (big) credit to be working on, I was still able to find ways to enjoy myself – primarily through small food adventures and beach volleyball! That plus work was about all I could take on while working on my independent study but now that it’s all over over for real, I’ve been just DIVING into life again! I watched the entire series of The Dollhouse last week and have taken out most of the first season of True Blood, getting ready to move onto season two…just feeding my glutenous film/tv self and loving every second of it! (Thank you for being the best invention ever Netflix – I heart you).

The other appetite I’ve been feeding is, as I mentioned above, my appetite for fooooooood. Yummy yummy food. I can guarantee in the coming months you will be seeing many posts regarding food.

You will also see posts regarding my current marathon goal (three marathons back to back), posts about upcoming creative endeavors (because now that I’m DONE being bossed all of the time I actually feel creatively inspired again and therefor want to CREATE again) and probably more of the same ole same ole daily grind chit chat.

So for now I’ll keep this on the shorter side (for me anyway) and leave you with some fun pictures of the delicious and sometimes goofy “meals” I have found myself partaking in recently. I’m looking forward to getting back into blogging again as I have truly missed it (and the interactions that were caused by it) tremendously.

Hope this message finds you all happy and well!

Peace, good cheer and joy!
Flower Power Devin

[View with PicLens]

• Thesis is starting to get finished up. Install for the show happens over this weekend into the beginning of next week. I’m almost there…I can see the light at the end of this tunnel…I think.
• I heard this Adam Lambert song a month or so back, when things are school just REALLY started to come to a head. I felt it was sooooo appropriate for how I was feeling. It became my secret anthem (because yeah, I was sort of ashamed to admit that I liked an Adam Lambert song or that I might possibly be this anxty).
• TK told me to watch the video after finally hearing the song I had been talking about as my song – just watched it, and yeah, gonna have to just suck it up and admit that Adam Lambert is pretty damn hot. He’s a man, who looks like a woman, and screams when he sings, he he’s a man, but I know he’s gay so he’s an even cooler man because he’s got style…so yeah, Adam Lambert = hot sex in my book right now and if he were a woman or a straight man, I’d totally get with that! lol.
• This song is soooooo what I sometimes want to say to the “powers that be” in my program. That and I wanna flick ‘em off. And, I’d like to tell a few people to stuff it where the sun don’t shine while I’m at it. Of course, I’ll never get this opportunity in real life so I am reduced to either hold it in or blog about. Clearly, I’m choosing the latter…

Anyway…thesis…yeah…that motha fucka of a project is FINALLY coming to fruition. Tomorrow the mag is OUT OF MY HANDS and I move onto other finer details of the installation space. Big space to fill…down some items I was going to use to fill it, what’s a gal to do? Speaking of install…who wants to help me install this weekend? Saturday? Sunday? Anyone? Someone? Hit me with a message if you’re available cause I could really use the help! THANK YOU!

Details on the thesis show will be posted tomorrow most likely…when I actually make my promo postcard. Ha, so behind on that…oops! Maybe it’s because I WASN’T SURE I WAS GRADUATING THIS FREAKING YEAR…ugh…loooooong story that ya’ll can expect to see the light of day in some creative way in the damn f’ing near future. Oh man…the characters I’ve met these past few years…yes, I will NOT go easy on you jerk faces. Not. One. BIT! I’ll show you the same “curusies” you’ve shown me. Ah…sweetness.

I know I sound grumpy, and I kinda am, I’m burned, I’m soured, and I’m plain tired from only getting about 2 hours of sleep each night these past few days. But truthfully, I’m excited about my project and where it’s taking me and where it’s going especially when I’m free of the bondage that has been grad school and the hierarchy that exists in before mentioned institution. THANK GOD FOR FREEDOM! So yeah…it’s all good, especially once I walk across that stage and get my diploma and drink my sorrows away while dancing and laughing and chatting it up with my friends. YEP! GOOD TIMES ARE AROUND THE CORNER…I can almost taste them!

Anyway…for your viewing pleasure; feast your eyes on the oddly feminine looking Lambert and his deliciously anxty song. This is dedicated to all the people in my program who clearly were not listening to what I said I was aiming to do and going to do when I initially pitched my thesis project. To you I ask, whataya want from me followed with a timeless, SUCK IT NERDS!

Thank you.

People are loosing their jobs left and right, or are unable to find them to begin with! Everyone is having big time financial struggles (my bank account just shocked the sh*t out of me yesterday when something posted to my account I wasn’t expecting and BAM, where did all my money go?! – suck)! School is just KILLING ME slowly and painfully, and I think some of my teachers are enjoying watching this painful death process (maybe they aren’t, who knows really…). My kitty and what ever it is that ails her…all these things add up and take their toll. It’s very hard in times like these to stay focused and more importantly, positive.

I fight to remain positive every day. I think these days I’ve been luckier than previous days in the positive arena. There are definite reasons for that, but perhaps we’ll get to them later… One thing I do to remain positive is think about all of my role models…all of the people I look up to, the people I respect and those people that I think really handle stress and difficult times not only well, but the way I think I’d like to see myself handling it all.

I think Ree Drummond, author of one of my favorite blogs (The Pioneer Woman) and (bound to be) favorite cookbooks is one of those people. Tonight I went to her cookbook signing (which is a New York Times No. 1 best seller by the by) and was just in awe at how amazingly down to earth she is. This woman is smart, beautiful, talented, genuine, real and approachable. She’s also married to perhaps one of the most dashingly handsome men I’ve ever had the pleasure to meet – true story. She appears to have it all, a truly charmed life. But let’s be real, she isn’t going to really write about all the BAD stuff, which, being that she’s human and all, I’m SURE she experiences as well. Somehow, she always shares stories that enlighten and lift the spirits. She makes us laugh, she makes us tear up (but in a good way) and she always tells us what’s in her heart. No phony lies or anything, just what she’s thinking about.  If you don’t believe me, have a look at her blog (I encourage you to do so anyway…)

When she was doing the Q&A portion of the book signing, she was just SO REAL. Someone asked her about her seemingly charmed life and marriage – if it was the perfect marriage. She responded, “There is no perfect marriage, but my husband is perfect for me…”. She went on to say how she just tries to focus on all the good things and treasure that in her partnership, and apparently he does the same. And ya know, it seems pretty obvious, but we don’t always do that do we? I think one thing she really highlighted for me was that not only is she thankful for all that she has, but she lets those in her life KNOW that she is thankful for them, and everything else.

I don’t think I do that enough. I’m going to work on that.

Anyway…she’s great and hearing her talk in real life was an awesome experience. I feel full of joy, excitement and encouragement to really go out there and make my dreams happen (which is what she did…really, you should read her story!!!)

Sooo…I picked up a few books tonight. Yes, I got one for myself. It’s a goodie already, can’t wait to try out the recipes in there!!! I also shared with her a snippet about my girlie B who couldn’t be there tonight. B introduced me to Pioneer Woman (thanks friend!). I also got to meet the Marlboro Man. Oh. My. Goodness.

Clearly I had seen photos of this man on her blog, but photos do his eyes no justice. They are as blue as the big skies down south. Wow. And you know what? You can just SEE this man is a GOOD MAN. What an INCREDIBLY attractive couple. Seriously. I strive to have a partnership like theirs (I’m not talking physical looks-wise, I’m talking about the real stuff)…one of mutual respect, generosity, forgiveness, understanding, honesty, laughter and love. Booya! These people are a great example of harmony in a partnership. And both were equally friendly and sincere. He even signed all my books under a picture that Ree had taken of him and put in the cookbook – super super cool.

The whole experience was great. My sis came with me to the signing (she was a newbie to this sort of thing) and I met some lovely people while waiting for it all to begin. It was neat to hear the stories of how people found Ree and where they had come from. Very cool. I had forgotten my camera (shame on me!) and Meg forgot hers so I relied on the kindness of two strangers to take my pictures with Ree and send me the files through email. I think I’ll be getting them in a couple days, at which point I’ll share them here. WOO HOO!

K…so enough about Ree, let’s talk about blogging…why do I do it?

I do it because I love to. In my mind, I believe that is reason enough. I do it because it’s a way for me to share thoughts and experiences with people I know (and more that I don’t) that I would otherwise be unable to easily share. It’s a journal for the world to potentially see, and why that scares me a bit (thus me leaving out the very deep personal stuff a lot of the time) it also helps keep ME real. Word.

So I blog because I love to, I blog because I can and I blog because I know that there are at least a couple of you out there that read this and so this is also for you. You all keep me posting, and posting helps to remind me of how lucky I am and being reminded of that keeps me smiling. Thank you for that, by the way. YOU are 50% of the reason why I’m on here!!

Blogging is such a strange thing. It can be as personal or as sterile as the author chooses to make it. We can be as honest or deceitful as we choose to be. For me, I’ve chosen to really try and document things the way I’ve seen and felt them. I try to tell the story as honestly as I can. And I think I share a LOT of the story…with the exception of the “romantic relationships” part.

Why everything else and not that? Well, ya know, if you look back to the beginning of this blog, I definitely talk about a certain someone who is very certainly NOT a someone in my life anymore…and it’s kind of embarrassing to think about how I just put it all out there for the world to know, and then it just blew up in my face. Such a *young* thing to do. I quickly learned from that mistake – not to name specifics like that again, ever! Or at least that was my initial response. But then I made an amendment; once I’m married, I can talk about the significant other, till then, bite my tongue.

Well, clearly I can’t COMPLETELY bite my tongue…I’ve definitely alluded from time to time about there being SOMEONE…when there was someone…if there was someone. Recently and for a while, there was a lot of NO ONES, NO WAYS, NO HOWS! I didn’t want anything to do with a romantic relationships and I just kinda wanted to be a hermit. I spent a lot of time being VERY selfish and really focusing on me and making MY life better – solo.

Best thing I could have done. I’m so much better off NOW than I was even 7 months ago. I can tell you, I am honestly happy. I am just as happy with myself as I used to be when I was in a relationship. In fact, that’s wrong, I’m HAPPIER than I was back in the day, especially the past most recent years. I love my life. I love my friends. I love who I am becoming and I love this feeling of love. Self supplied, self regulated and self controlled. AWESOME!!

I feel like such a lucky girl spiritually, and also in the world of relationships. I’m surrounded by incredible people. I’m inspired daily by my friends and family. And lately I’ve had the good fortune to spend some time with a person that has really taught me a lot about what it’s like to be around someone you really can trust.

Boys and girls, men and women, gentlemen and ladies – this IS the key; trust. At least it’s one of the keys. I think communication is key too. And laughter. And respect. And love.

I feel like I’ve got a few of those keys on my ring right now. And it feels good. It feels solid…

I don’t know what tomorrow will bring, but I do know what today brought me. I met a couple that I admire, a women I strive to be more like, a family like one I hope to be a part of someday, a warm hug, a genuine heart flutter, a twinkle in my eye, some much needed messages from rogue friends who had gone M.I.A., time with my younger sister, time for self reflection, an unexpected and utterly undeniable act of sweetness, a necessary reminder, a box of goodies in the mail, a signed book from an author I love, some sunshine, another day with Sasha and so much more.

When I think about all the little things, I feel like the most blessed individual in the world. And ya know, I’ve got MAJOR issues in my world too…but instead of focusing on that which I have little control, I’m focusing on all the positives that keep me motivated to create change and possibility in my world. I’m focusing on love. I’m focusing on laughter. I’m focusing on blogging and sharing this journey. I’m focusing on you, and I’m focusing on me. The sh*t will continue to hit the fan, but that doesn’t mean I can’t be armored with an umbrella of positive thinking mixed with a little hope right? Right!

Thank you all for sticking by me in my hiatis from this blog. Thank you for sharing my journey. Thank you for listening to me journal, rant and praise. Like I said, you are half he reason why I do this…you help me do something I love.

I hope your world is full of wonder and joy. And even if times seem impossibly difficult for you right now, I encourage you to try to find that one glimmer of light, whatever that may be. You know it’s gotta be there somewhere – create the change in your happiness by finding what that little glimmer is and focusing on it till you come across another.

WE CAN DO THIS TOGETHER!!! “Just keep swimming…”

Love and hugs (all hippie like and everything!)
Devin

Ree Drummond (The Pioneer Woman) and me. I'm telling the poor woman a story, what a surprise, right?

Things have been busy people. Per usual right? I feel a little tiny bit disheartened right now and instead of wallowing in my tough of disheartenment, I thought I should get on here and update this here blog! No more feeling sorry for myself or what have you. POST! UPDATE! FILL THE PEOPLE IN!!!

So tonight I took a small break. In that break (that became a touch larger than small) I watched Swing Vote. I’d been excited about it when it came out in the theatre, but I’m pretty sure it didn’t do to well. I watched it online with netflix. Know what? I LIKED it! I thought it was great. I thought it brought up a LOT of good points. A lot of points that are really important RIGHT NOW.

Like how one persons vote, can and DOES make a difference! We are seeing just how much power the “popular vote” is getting right now, and if that isn’t proof enough of how important it is to stand up for what you believe in by voting on the issues, I don’t know what else is.

So yeah, Swing Vote. It was oozing with sentimentality and I loved every single drop of it! It made me smile, it made me tear up, it made me angry and happy…if you haven’t seen it, give it a go. It’s kind of one of those feel good American movies…kind of.

So what else…well, Sasha has been heavy on my mind. She’s still not doing very well. Not very well at all. I’ll be honest here, it’s breaking my heart a little. Recently, her mood has changed…she’s still eating (a little) and she isn’t hiding from me yet, but there is something in my heart/stomach that keeps warning me that I might not have much more time left with my baby. And that just kills me a little more every single minute of every day. Right now I’ve got her curled up on my lap as I type this and I think, what happens when there is no more Sasha to curl up on my lap when I update my blog?

It’s not a pretty or happy thought. She’s my little baby, I love her so. 5 1/2 years ago she came into my life, forever altering it (for the better) and I’m thankful for every moment I’ve had with her thus far. I continue to hope that I have much more time with her than I fear and that I’m just being silly thinking otherwise.

However, if you’re the praying type, I don’t think anyoone would be upset if you offered some up for my little pumpkin.

What else, what else? Well, things have been kinda weird and stressful for all my friends and family lately. My great aunt lost her step-son in the Fort Hood shootings, true tragedy. She’s absolutely heart sick about it (as we all are…) A few more people I know have lost their jobs. People are breaking up left and right around me… Last week they left 24 hours off my paycheck which was quite unnerving… And much more…

But it’s not ALL doom and gloom, man, listen to me! There has also been some great happiness too!!! I met some really great people last night at another friends birthday dinner! I picked up a fun hair piece that gives me long lovely locks that look pretty natural! Sasha IS still alive and wish us!!! I have incredible friends! School is steadily moving along… AND, today I actually got excited about my birthday!! I hadn’t really thought too much about it (I think once ya hit 30 there’s no major markers till 35 and 40 or so right?) but today I was sort of working out the details of what my special day will be and I really got excited about it. It will be a birthday like none I’ve had in a very long while! Just me and a sweetie for dinner and down time…oh yes, and a night cap (or three). Sounds absolutely perfect, and I cannot wait!

In the meanwhile, I’ve got Thanksgiving to look forward to, A Turkey Trot to run, an art grant to write, a volleyball game to win, some snuggles to be shared, hang out time with one of my besties, catch up time with others, holiday gifts to make and finish, holiday cards to write and send out and so much more, it’s hard to list it all out!

I also have NEW MOON to look forward to, and Pirate Radio…and Precious! GREAT MOVIES TO WATCH (finally) and of course holiday standbys to get excited about like Pieces of April, A Christmas Story and Love Actually!!! Oh, I’m quite excited about this holiday season too. I’m really sure why, but I am. It will be a good one, I just know it. Can’t wait to pick up my little tree and decorate it! OH YAY FOR HOLIDAY CHEER!!!

Sorry this post is kinda boring and lame. Didn’t know what to write about, but wanted to get on here and post SOMETHING.

Hope everyone out there is better than well. Remeber that today is a gift and try to treat it as such. Love thy neighbor, and LOVE THY SELF!!!

Cheers,
Devin

I was already a pretty big U2 fan…didn’t adore Bono or anything but dug that he was a real human rights activist and it seemed pretty genuine. But after seeing his show this summer and recognizing him to be someone who uses his fame for GOOD and then seeing how he’s been doing it all along – well you just have to have more respect for the man and the band. Which I do. Already looking forward to next summers show that I was able to score pre-sale tickets for so that Ivan, Terra and I can go see them again…

I love this video and I love this song even more now.

God Bless America. And God Bless the World.

Please, to enjoy…

The reason for the delay and lack of posting is simple: thesis year has officially begun. Well, it unofficially officially begun I guess. That’s another story all together. But in the mean while I wanted to post a little something to let you all know (all three of my dedicated readers) that I am, in fact, still alive and kicking and breathing and thinking up fave fives to share and posts to write. It’s been one heck of a month and a half since I shared any real goings on in my life, but with the exception of MAJOR SCHOOL STRESS, I’m feeling good.

The major school stress IS taking it’s toll on me however. I’m not getting sleep, I was fighting off some wicked bronchial thing for the past two and a half weeks (it seems to have finally cleared up thankfully) and I can see the wrinkles popping up on my forehead more and more with each passing day. MAN, stress can really age a person! It REALLY ages me. It’s so obvious it’s the difference between me getting called MISS regularly and me being called MA’AM. True story!

It hasn’t been all work fortunately, there has been some play time, but not enough in my opinion. I feel like summer came and went and I hardly had a chance to spend time with many people. I have been so worried about this upcoming year that I’ve been doing more work over the summer than usual. Not to say that in the beginning of this summer I didn’t play hard, because I did. But I could still use another solid month of playing before all the stress of thesis really takes a hold of me.

I’m thankful for the new friendships that formed over these past few months, for the amazing people I’ve had the good fortune of meeting, for the handsome company I’ve found myself a part of recently and for the always wonderful time spent with my bestie(s). I feel so fortunate when I stop and take stock of all the incredible people in my life. How did I get so lucky? I won’t dwell too long on that question, I will just continue to be grateful for them.

All in all, despite the stress revolving around thesis year and school, I’m happy about other areas in my life. I’m happy to know who my true friends are. I’m happy to have people in my life I can trust and depend on to tell me the truth and be honest with me. I’m happy to have had some snuggle time. I’m happy to have laughed my ass off at silly things like hearing my name burped out! HA, I laugh now just thinking about it…I’ve had some kick ass moments this summer. I’ve witnessed the union of two people that just really connect and respect each other. I’ve completed a 24 mile run I really think I shouldn’t have been able to. I’ve made some art I’m truly happy with. I’ve come up with ideas I’m excited to pursue and work hard on. I’ve shared secrets with someone I genuinely believe would never divulge them and in that is a trust I haven’t felt with someone new in ages. I’ve been around people who “love me for me” (I love you too Lindy) and I cannot tell you how that makes my heart swell. I know she isn’t the only one too…again, I’m such a lucky lucky girl.

And that’s another thing, I AM “a lucky girl”.

I know I come on here from time to time and spill a few of the beans from my inner soul; wear my heart on my sleeve or so they say. I guess I’m sort of doing that now.

Maybe it’s the post migraine affect. Maybe it’s the sentimental feeling I get after watching Finding Nemo. Maybe it’s that I just feel so excited about some areas in my life that despite my need to control everything and keep important things secret I just want to let ‘er rip and share what I’m really thinking.

For now, this post will do. I’m stressed, well beyond the levels of stress I’ve known recently, but still I remain happy, hopeful and optimistic. Every day I feel like I really understand myself better. And that makes me happier. Every day I feel like part of the walls I’ve built up come down a little more, that the world becomes rosier, that people become friendlier.

I hope if you are reading this that you are a part of the exciting times I’m mentioning. But maybe you just randomly stumbled across chameleon and have no idea who I am. If that describes you, I hope that you can relate to this post. That you feel this kind of contentment and happy happy joy joy. That good things are headed your way if they aren’t already here.

Stress? F you. I’ve got bigger things to deal with than to worry about you. Piss off for a while eh? Let this little lady get her work done in peace for a bit and she promises to produce something we can all be excited about!

Cheers blogosphere.  Merry good times to all!
Devin

I took this on a cool rainy day in chicago in 2008. I thought the Hancock looked pretty and a touch lonely.

You know those days where you wake up in a decent mood and quickly it turns south? Well, today is one of those days for me. I’m annoyed with myself because I feel a bit “angsty” or even a little emo. Hmm, no offense to all the emo types out there, I just don’t like to think of myself as one of them.

But, today, despite the lovely sunshine and clean smelling air, I’m not feeling my best. I’m sure some of this has to do with lack of running, lack of acupuncture and lack of other things like adventures or mountain climbing or what have you.

If you know anything about me, you probably know that I not only desire constant change and updating in my life – I need it. Right now, I need something to be different. Something to be shaken. I need some excitement!

I don’t know what I think I want that excitement to be. Obviously, something that is safe (or safe-ish anyway)…something that is out of the ordinary. Oh hell, I’m lying. I want danger. I want craziness. I wanna scream and yell and laugh louder than I’ve laughed in ages. I wanna be wild and crazy! With the school year rapidly approaching combined with being pent up in the office today, I’m feeling very antsy; caged in. This winged bird wants OUT!

I need to go running. Clearly. I need to sweat it out. I need some other things that might not be blog appropriate.

Normally, I’m good at being good, I’m good at being normal(ish), I’m good at being even tempered and staying out of trouble. And while I don’t want TROUBLE – I think I want something like it. I don’t want the negative, I just want the rush.

I need to go somewhere. I need a trip somewhere where I can be someone else, do crazy things and then get it all out of my system and go back to being more *normal* (whatever normal is supposed to be…ha).

Really, this must have a lot to do with me not running so much. Or getting acupuncture at all in the past several months (too long to go without). There are other things too. I know all of them. And I don’t see some of them changing any time too soon either.

BLAST!

Well, I guess that means I gotta mind over matter this bitch of a mood. Think more positively today (I do it most of the time, why is today giving me such trouble?). Smile until it comes naturally to do so. Clearly I need to dress up. Maybe I should do what my bestie Hill suggested…get comfy in the pj’s but spice it up with a saucy pair of heels.

Yes, I like this idea. I will beat this mood. I will go running tomorrow and it will feel great. I will eat better and that will feel great. I will eat less and that will make me happier. I will smile and it will release happy endorphins. I will be wild and crazy and naughty and bitchy, but only in my head so no one gets hurt. I will tone up and slim down. I will be proactive about this bad mood and turn this silly emo frown UPSIDE DOWN!

It will be good. Mark my words. I have the power to change my mood. I’m doing it already by posting these words. I am not a slave to this bad feeling, it is a test for me to see how strong I have become. OVER COME THE NEGATIVE, fight it all with positivity and happy thoughts. Exercise and feel those happy feelings again. GET OUT THE AGGRESSION.

Yes…I am already feeling better. Thanks for listening, I think I needed to rant.

The stranger part about this dream is not that it was about someone I haven’t seen in real life in 12 years, but that in my dream we were getting married, and I hadn’t seen this person in 12 years!!! I was, understandably, a bit hesitant and nervous about said marriage. Some people were questioning whether two people who hardly know each other can have a successful marriage and others were all for it. They kept reminding me of what a great guy he is and how sweet and caring and funny and smart he is…which wasn’t the problem. The problem was I DIDN’T KNOW HIM ANYMORE – HELLO!

So I found him, all dressed in his tux, me in a WEDDING DRESS, simple, long, pretty, with a bouquet of flowers in my hand. Sweetly he held me by my arms and asked me was wrong. I’m thinking to myself, “Am I the ONLY person who thinks this is strange??!!” but something about how sweet he was being calmed me a little. Suddenly I started listening to him (soooo not me in real life right?!?!) and then found myself softly saying, “But, you don’t want to marry me…I’m…I’m a slob!” to which he shook his head and said that didn’t matter. Then I said, “And…I’m poor. I have no money. I have so much school debt” but he didn’t seem to mind that too much either. (This is quiet different than what I have faced in reality so I was shocked in my dream to get a different, understanding and compassionate response.) He then shook his head and said, “It’s because you live in the city” like by me living in the city I couldn’t possibly pay back the money I owe because it costs so much to be in the city. I said under my breath, “But I like living in the city…”

Next thing I know I’m getting married…it was a ruch job and I don’t actually remember dreaming the “I dos” or anything, but it did happen and suddenly I was married.

Woah.

I was sort of in shock and confused but also felt ok, like, things like this DO happen and they CAN work out and maybe I should just shut up and let someone ELSE decide for once and stop over analyzing. All this in my dream head mind you. I’m so weird.

We walked outside to a SUV that was covered in snow and ice and I realize we are in some mountain region…and then he tells me we are moving to Burtonsville MD. BURTONSVILLE. My mouth dropped open. I breathlessly repeated, “Burtonsville? BURTONSVILLE? Why can’t we stay in Chicago? I like Chicago…” but he said, “Nope, Burtonsville” with a smile on his face. And you know what? I SHUT UP. I was like, “well, then I guess we are going to Burtonsville”…kind of defeated, but also a little hopeful. He held my hand as we drove off…my head was still spinning but I guess I was thinking maybe he knew better than I did.

HOLY FREAKING WEIRDNESS!!! Now, I haven’t spoken to this person in AGES…I mean AGES. We are facebook “friends” but still haven’t communicated. I of course sent him a message today…I mean, this dream came from somewhere. I don’t know where HE came from, but I imagine the wedding stuff came from all the wedding stuff I’m involved in this summer (was at one last weekend, going to one next weekend and the following weekend and also that wedding video I posted yesterday that I probably watched 10 times already…). But where did HE come from? I don’t know. The mind is such a strange place.

To be honest, he looked great. A lot like I remember him looking but a little different. Very content, very calm and collected and sweet (like I remember) but also, older and a little more mature. Wise even. He was tall…I had to ask Ivan if he was a lot taller in high school to which I got a big yes. I guess I sort of forgot that over these past 12 years. SO WEIRD. But still, kinda, strangely, nice to see him again.

This dream of course got me all kinds of thinking of the people I went to high school with. How they all are, who all is married (A LOT OF MY HS FRIENDS ARE NOW MARRIED WITH KIDS…boy, am I behind their times or what…) and everyone looks really great.

Honestly, I had a great high school class, and a lot of wonderful friends and buddies while I was there. I have to make sure NOT to miss the next reunion.

REUNION! Oh man…last night, while Ivan and I walked back form the grocery store I was TALKING ABOUT OUR REUNION and how he and I along with Tony P need to plan the 20 year! THAT MUST BE WHAT TRIGGERED THE REMEMBERANCE OF THE GUY IN MY DREAM! Wow…that has to be it! He must have been at the 10 year reunion (which I did NOT attend) and that’s gotta be what I remembered. Now it makes at least a LITTLE more sense.

Oh silly dreams…you cryptic things. No, I don’t always believe you mean something…if you did I’d have been murdered or brutally attacked or experimented on by aliens a looooong time ago. But this dream really did stir up some stuff.

I guess that’s why I didn’t feel bad about taking a lazy day. Which I have today…it’s been lazy…and I’ve been loving it. Now…I should go through my facebook friends and see who all is there from high school and what they are up to! Ha ha…goofy, I know.

Someone tagged me in a note on Facebook. The person who tagged me in this note with this poem is NOT someone I would expect to share this poem with me, but as always, life knows the right things to do and when to do them even when I am left silently observing and utterly clueless.

This poem couldn’t be more appropriate for someone like me…someone who despite my desire to remain not only positive but eternally optimistic, doubts. Someone who wants to believe the best in people but assumes the worst until they prove otherwise. Someone who keeps such a heavily guarded mote, gate and wall around the castle that is her heart, I might actually be missing out on the best parts of life for fear of feeling pain again.

Yes, someone like that…someone who questions everything in her head and to her friends to death the way the guys in Office Space beat up that fax machine…this is the sort of poem I should read, probably daily. Even if it’s not true (which my doubting heart almost always believes is the case) maybe I’d be happier if I lived in that ignorant bliss not just believing but KNOWING this poem were true.

Of course, at the end of the poem, it seems the writer does in fact let the person know they are thinking about them, and therefor the questioner gets a concrete answer…

But there I go again, being doubtful Devin. For such a positive minded and genuinely optimistic person, I can be such a weirdo…really, I need to lighten up, on myself first, and then on others. Whether I think any of us have earned it or deserve it or not…I need to LIGHTEN UP!

ANYWAY…that’s a lot of blah blah blah (from the heart but still) before I let you read an already long poem. I’m sure many of you won’t even finish it, but I encourage you to try. I think it’s a lovely piece of writing. One that rings REALLY true to my heart…

Please, to enjoy…

Thinking About You
By Mike Taylor

Yesterday you asked me if I think about you during the day
In class or on the bus
Do I ever wonder who you’re with or what you’re thinking about
Well…. I’m in math class right now…

And I’m thinking about you like crazy, like…
Hands think about holding
And arms think about folding
And minds think about not thinking, but knowing

I’m thinking about you like…
Feet think about socks and socks think about shoes
I’m thinking about you like…
Rock and metal think about screaming
Like blues thinks about rhythm
Like hip-hop thinks about…. hoes?

I’m thinking about you like…
Tops think about spinning
And rocks think about sitting
And cops think about…. arresting people

I’m thinking about you like people think about a clock five minutes before a shift ends

I’m thinking about you like…
A thinks about being with C
And B thinks about seeing D
And E effing G
And H eyeing J

I’m thinking about you like…
White and black think about making grey on a paint pallet
Like night thinks about making day in the morning
Like rain clouds think about pouring

I’m thinking about you like…
Math analysis thinks about being boring…
(Because, seriously, any class this boring has had to take some serious thought so…)
I’m thinking about you like the last problem on this math quiz!

I’m thinking about you like…
Bugs think about grass
And thugs think about….grass
Like students think about class
Like ladies think about class
Like lower middle class people think about flying first class to places they only dream about like New Zealand or France

I’m thinking about you like….
Pilots think about the horizon
Like clouds think about the wind
And the wind thinks about the trees
And teenage boys think about the birds and the bees
And the bees think about the queen and making honey
And honey I’m thinking about you like…. crazy….

Like mattresses think about springs
And winter thinks about spring
Who thinks about summer and it doesn’t matter
What season it is when I’m thinking about you
It’s always sunny
Like rainbows and bunnies

And I’m thinking about you like…
Rich people think about making money
And broke people think about making money
And when I think about you
The whole world makes…cents…

Let me go change
I’m thinking about you when I’m getting dressed
Because before I step up on stage
When I look in the mirror
You’re the only one I’m trying to impress

I’m thinking about you like…
Boats think about floating
And paddles think about rowing
And poets think about flowing
I’m thinking about you like…
Bankers think about loaning
And renters think about owning
And stoners think about… throwing rocks

I’m thinking about you like…
Keyboards think about keys
And keys think about unlocking locks
Like Goldilocks still thinks about bears
Like bears think about being cool

I’m thinking about you like…
Refrigerators think about being cool
And microwaves think about being hot
Like kids think about breaking rules
Like targets think about getting shot

I’m in math class right now, not trying to get you off my mind
Just off the sin cosin and tangent lines I’m graphing

I’m thinking about you like…
Numbers think about adding
Like cripples think about standing
I’m thinking about standing up
And walking out

I’ll say I have to go to the bathroom
Or something
And I can find out who you’re with
And what you’re doing
And what you’re thinking about
But… I think you’re in class right now too
So I’ll text you
I’m thinking about you

Send.