yes...I want one...

I tell ya, it’s just kind of been none stop for what feels like many many moons. I get to one place and I tell myself, “ok, you’ve just got two more weeks and then you are done and then you can RELAX and things will be better”. By better I mean easier, less stressful, more time available, relaxation, no obligations, twiddle the thumbs, read a book without feeling guilty for ignoring homework, you know, those sorts of things. But it’s all a lie. While in grad school and working full time; those things will surely not get better.

Throw in the amazing disappointments I’ve sadly experienced these past few months and it’s just hard to imagine the day when it really WILL be better.

I know it will. That’s why I work so hard, that’s why I put myself through such torture with my ridiculous schedule, that’s why I don’t sleep, that’s why I stress about anything at all; because one day it really WILL be better.

And one day I WILL get some down time to relax without coming back to a world of mess and pain. But I tell you man, full time work (40 hours a week) and full time grad school (13 credit hours this semester alone) has just depleted me.

To be honest, I’m tired. Sometimes I just wanna pack up the kitties and Trigger, buy a VW Bus, paint it green and be on my merry way to somewhere – anywhere – no where in particular.

Be done with school, be done with work, be done with the pessimists, be done with the nay sayers, be done with the residual (though ever dulling) touch of heart ache, be done with the cold…all of it. Just be done.

But then, the sunshine comes out, I finish a project, the semesters end becomes visible, I get some incredibly positive (and much appreciated) feed back from the head of my department and I think, “no no Devin, you can do this. Just one more year. Just a few more months. Just a whole lot of hard work and loss of sleep and something great will surely come of it and you’ll have your MFA and go off to better the world in whatever way you are meant to. Just hang in there girl. Never give up. Never surrender.”

Never give up.

Never surrender.

*deep breath* – ok. I’m not a quitter and I never have been. I get pushed down, knocked around, dragged through broken glass, stomped on, emotionally torn apart, barraged by negativity and I STILL manage to get back up (maybe after a couple hours of fighting the tears and giving into the heart ache before I…) dust myself back off and keep working my way up this bumpy hill of life.

It’s not a path I’m on. It’s a mountain or something. I think most of us are on a mountain, working our way up. My mountain has all kinds of obstacles, but I try not to let that stop me for too long.

Lately, the obstacles have been caused by fear and again a few pricks to the heart. (It’s the heart stuff that usually sends me over the edge into a momentary visit to the pit of despair).

Recently, my program has been going through one wicked chain of events. One bad thing has happened after another after another and it’s really got me feeling…well, insecure – heart sick – disheartened – mad. I want to call out the wrong doers and say, “HEY, listen here you mother f*ckers! What you are doing is WRONG! What you are saying is a LIE! What are you doing is NOT FOR THE GREATER GOOD!!! Stop with your ego moves and DO RIGHT BY YOUR STUDENTS AND THIS COMMUNITY OF STUDENT ARTISTS!!!”

But alas, I cannot say anything for my voice has no sway and I’m already a black (or at least grey) sheep in the program, so I’d only be putting myself at greater risk of dismissal or something. By the way, how did THAT happen? Oh yeah, I have my own opinions and I will not tolerate the lying. So I can say nothing. Also, it’s not my side of the program that’s having issues. The Media department is more or less doing great. I love my media people. It’s B&P that’s having the issues and going through the worst of it.

F*cking liars. I hate lying. More than anything it seems…you lie to me, you’ve lost me forever. Tell me the truth, it may sting like the f*cking dickens, but I’ll survive, I always do. LIE TO ME, well…that pain hurts worse and it does something else – it makes me angry. And I don’t LIKE to feel angry or be mad. It’s an awful feeling that promotes sadness and that’s just NOT where I want to be or how I want to feel.

The other thing just burning my noodle a bit lately of course is that I still have a beating heart, and that beating heart is vulnerable to pain caused by outsiders…outsiders that I might of, at one point, let INTO my heart. I think while they were there, they might have found some secret passage ways back INTO my heart and so, despite lacking permission or asking for entrance, they strike out at me from the dark corners and jab me with inconsiderate little swords gilded of selfishness and lies. Because I didn’t see them coming, I was further defenseless. With some of school stuff being in the pits and MASSIVE stress at work (will I have a job in a month or won’t I), I was rendered further defenseless and wide open for seemingly unprovoked attacks. (I’m fully aware that I’m being a bit dramatic here…)

I keep saying they, and attacks as though there were many. It really could have been just one or it could have been several people….I’m just using generalities cause that’s how I’ve been rolling these days.  Anyway…

Some attempts to, I don’t know, affect me had no affect what so ever. However, one did…and it proved something I had feared to be the truth anyway, and I learned it in the final moments of finishing up my semester and BAM – it just hit me like a ton of bricks.

Of course it was truthful knowledge to learn and therefor will ultimately be helpful in my growth and life, but in the moment it all came crashing down on me, it really truly sucked. Again I found myself saying how I wanted to call them out on their wrongs. Call them out on their lies and just plain call them out.

But we don’t get to do that as rational people. We don’t get to do that and still appear rational or together or SANE.

And so I sat, on my lovely friends couch, telling HER what I would say while trying to get my act together before finishing up a much dreaded paper.

WTF mates?! Seriously…it’s amazing how when you feel so tired that you just end up feeling anything that comes at you. When we have had our sleep – don’t we just perform better? Under normal circumstances I would have been like “Well shit be a fiddle, it’s just as I had suspected it might be” and moved on without blinking so much as an eye.

Ah, but life doesn’t work that way, and so I felt the sting.

And people wonder why I’m not all hopping to get back in a relationship?! I don’t even want to make new friends…I’m quite happy with the ones I’ve got and so uninterested in dealing with other peoples lies and drama. (Yes, I’ve dealt with a lot of liars and drama queens this year…weird, I don’t like it.)

But it hasn’t all been bad…some of it has been amazing. Despite the weird BS at school, Audrey Niffenegger has agreed to be one of my thesis advisors next year. It goes without saying I think it’s AWESOME, but I’m clearly saying it anyway. AWE-SOME! I appreciate Audrey’s input and teaching style. I appreciate how she’s pushed me in directions with my writing I was hesitant to go and how she LISTENS to me when I’m asking her questions or talking. She’s such a fantastic teacher…I feel REALLY really lucky.

I also think Jeanine Mellinger will be another one of my thesis advisors which is great because even when she doesn’t like my work, she gets where I’m coming from and SUPPORTS me and wants to see me succeed, so I know she’s got my back. And in these strange days, it’s very important to know that SOMEONE with a voice has your back.

Also, despite my previous statement of saying how I don’t want to make new friends, I have, of course, made a plethora of FABULOUS new friends and strengthened some of the friendships I had picked up along the past many months. In the friendship department, I feel luckier than a cat on a fishing dock!

Just two weeks ago, when school was just kicking my ever expanding butt (ok, that’s a bit of an exaggeration) Ry Ry (nick name #3 for le blog?) kept reminding me in the sweetest ways possible to never give up and never surrender. I couldn’t hear my own inner voice repeating my mantra, so my friend joined in on the chorus and chanted it louder, making sure I heard it clearly and remembered it. Another bestie was making sure I ate, and remembered to laugh throughout the entire time. I did much of both, thankfully. Another goodie to happen, the Noodle is back in Chicago and this has been happy news indeed!

Really, I can’t complain, am not complaining and don’t mean to sound like I’m complaining. I’m just stating…things have been weird, all over the place and you know – quite a lot like *life*. Oh life, you are such a twisted bitch sometimes, aren’t you?!

Have I even mentioned the roaches? Or probation? Or me singing in Gay Idol? Aw man, this is becoming too much for one entry…

Anyway, the long of it all is, it’s been QUITE a 2009 thus far. Chalk full of endless work and crazy days. I’m thankful for all the lessons learned (and relearned) and for all my friends and the WONDERFUL gifts in my life.

I’ll always be dreaming about that infamous “downtime” I know exists out there somewhere, but in the meanwhile, I’m hoping that the summer sun helps to re-charge my batteries while I kick it (again) into high gear for thesis prep, marathon training, wedding attending, ballet, yoga, beach volleyball, art making, book making, studio time, reading, work, breathing, late night walks by the lake, animal hugging, home organizing and redecorating, possible vacationing with mi hermana, magic with friends, cooking fresh vegetables, fixing up the old website, creating a NEW website and everything else that is scheduled to happen over these next 3 months. MAN OH MAN…here comes the sun and summer, and it’s not joking around!

You can expect more frequent updates now that school is done!

"it's like Christmas and my birthday all in the same day!" (Danielle from Ever After)

PS- I think this is a cute picture of me and my lovely friend (and fellow probi) from a recent graduation party where we celebrated many fabulous thesis shows and work and the artists who did it all! YAY CCC INTERATS CLASS OF 2009!!!