A year ago, the world as I knew it shattered (again) into a thousand fragmented pieces. Something I had invested a lot of time, love, care and energy into completely went belly up on me. And I felt sort of blind sided by it. I felt lost and hurt and confused and moments of anger, but mostly sadness and sorrow.
Deep in my heart I knew what had happened…I guess, been happening…obviously was inevitable to happen. Trust a snake, and you are bound to get bit. Actually, I take that back…because I think snakes are cool and I trust animals way more then I trust most humans (unless you are Barack Obama in which case I just think you are one of the closest things to the second coming we have…I think he can probably walk on water…). But besides President Elect Barack Obama, I don’t really trust human nature since we live in such a self indulgent world where boys are being raised to be selfish boys and never forced to grow up, and girls are still unaware that they deserve better. No, let’s say something like, if you trust someone who has yet to prove them self trustworthy, you are bound to get shit on – like they’ve done to everyone else in their life before you.
That’s better than dragging some poor snake into it, let’s just be real about it right?!
And so, a year ago that’s exactly what happened. I got shit on by someone I should never have trusted or even exposed myself to. But at the time, when it all went to pot, I turned it all on me…again. What did I do wrong this time? What didn’t I do enough of? How can I be better? How can I make things better?
Oh god, too much to even think about and recall…I was in a bad place and I felt worse about myself than I had felt in SEVERAL YEARS. The road to recover was one hell of an uphill, crater ridden, obstacle laden, poison ivied mess! It didn’t help that I was working full time and had just started grad school full time. I felt like I was being beaten down by everything and everyone.
OK, not everyone. I knew I had the support and love of my friends, and they buoyed me when I really couldn’t keep myself afloat, but sometimes even their love couldn’t prevent me from slipping into the blackness of prickly, splintery, aggressively negative and all consuming sorrow I would get lost in. I definitely visited that terrible pit of despair…and a serious depression followed.
It wasn’t the first time I had found myself in such an awful place, but it was the first time where I had felt I truly, on all counts, didn’t deserve it. I really felt like I had done damn near my best. No, I wasn’t perfect, of course their needed to be things about myself I changed and continued to make better, but I really felt like I had given a LOT of myself to this *thing* and having learned from all my failed attempts in the pasts and all my mistakes, I was doing so much better. I just didn’t understand how it all fell apart. But that was because I was looking at it through jaded eyes in a reflecting glass.
When I finally learned the truth about the major events that lead to my surprise loss, I was finally able to start healing…slowly. Knowing the truth I was able to recognize that it wasn’t so much about me this time. Or things I had or had not done. It really wasn’t. And that was important for me to recognize and learn because I was beating myself up over something that was never really worth my time, love and support in the first place.
I can’t really say much about what “it” was specifically, but I can describe it as selfish, childish, negative, malicious, having complete disregard for others, ruthless, stupid, deceitful, angst, lonely, sneaky, hungry, tacky, classless, lazy, cowardly, weak, careless, envious, thoughtless, pathetic, jealous and ultimately – typical.
Now, this isn’t to imply that I was 100% faultless in the matter; but I’m pretty sure my part in it’s demise was much smaller and far less NEGATIVE than all that listed above. My biggest part was insecurity – but seeing as how I was not wrong to feel that way since the deceit had been happening, slowly, for over months, I’m sure that’s why I felt it in the first place.
Wow…I haven’t visited this thought in a while, but today marks one year, and it’s important for me to reflect upon it all, remember it, write about it for posterity’s sake and then be completely done with it for good.
Ahh…it’s almost refreshing. That weird mourning period is over. It’s been over for a long while now (thank goodness), but I feel like today marks that glorious spot where I can say “fuck it, I’m done with this shit!”. And guess what people – I AM done with that kind of shit.
In the past year I have learned so much about my own inner strength and will to not only survive but to better myself and move forward. To progress in life with POSITIVITY and grace. And to help create and make my own happiness. I’ve done so by remembering the joys in the little things…reminding myself daily (grateful for lists anyone?) of everything that I do have to be happy and feel lucky about and making a concerted effort to be the best version of ME I can be.
And I have to say this, I really like who I am. I have so many “flaws” and “faults”, but I’ve even grown to love those. Holy shit people, what I’m saying here is that I’ve grown to love myself! This is not an easy thing for people to do…especially if you grew up surrounded by negativity constantly attacking you (as I did). But how wonderful to recognize that yes, indeed, I do love myself, along with all my shortcomings…
There are days, of course, where I look in the mirror and think, “Dammit Devin, get your shit together!” but those days are normal for any self reflective, open minded person. I’m not stopping here people! I want to grow and continue to change and better myself for the rest of my life! I have gone to great lengths to remove the negativity that had been collecting in my world. I continue to fight the urges to say things that do not promote positivity. Yes, I lapse from time to time, I fall off the wagon, but instead of beating myself up about it or taking a defeatist attitude about it, I dust myself back off and get the fuck back on that train to happiness. Ain’t no stopping me now people.
When times get tough, I always think of three things (and I think Obama has helped to add a fourth):
Never give up. Never surrender!
I’ve got the bestest of best friends in the entire world!!
I CAN love, I DO love and I AM love!!!
And baby, YES WE (I) CAN!!!
On this major day of reflection before this strange chapter of my life gets put away, I sit at my desk smiling to myself for the gratefulness I feel for all the blessings I have in my life. All the people, all the joys, all the trials and tribulations, all the challenges and challengers, all the simples things and the BIG things, all that is good and even those things that are less than so…
I feel stronger and ready and happy for the days ahead of me. I’m even looking forward to my 30th birthday which I would have never thought possible moths/years before now.
I’ve got this happy, thrilled, solid, strong, pulsing, beaming, POSITIVE yet quiet contentment with where I am in my life and what I am doing. I would like to take this opportunity to thank everyone who’s played a major role in this place of happiness I find myself and to all my positive, loving, strong beautiful and magical friends that I have; without you all, I doubt I would have made it here so quickly – today, YOU all are my champions and I honor YOU!
Thank you all…
With love, Devin
Now, I will celebrate this point in my life with a list (and possible links) to songs that I feel represent the many emotions and thoughts that I’m thinking and feeling…
Please, to enjoy…
Recovery – New Buffalo (thanks Ivan, for finding me this song…)
All These Things That’s I’ve Done – The Killers (I do think I’m a soldier, but this song makes me dance…) Link to the music video
Paper Planes – M.I.A. (this one also makes me dance, and I like to shoot air guns…)
Fidelity – Regina Spektor
What Goes Around…Comes Around – Justin Timberlake (oh yeah…it’s just soooo right, and JT is sooooo sexy…I forgive him for using ScarJo for this video since she does play the perfect cheating slut Link to music video
Desert – Emilie Simon (this makes me think of someone lovely…and that someone makes me smile)
Believe – Cher (I can’t wait to sing this on my b-day)
Le Disko – Shiny Toy Guns (love to dance, love the lyrics, love the hot chic singing…) Link to music video
…and now, I’m gonna figure out where to get my celebratory cake from!
It’s been a year…look how far we’ve come…
A year ago, the world as I knew it shattered (again) into a thousand fragmented pieces. Something I had invested a lot of time, love, care and energy into completely went belly up on me. And I felt sort of blind sided by it. I felt lost and hurt and confused and moments of anger, but mostly sadness and sorrow.
Deep in my heart I knew what had happened…I guess, been happening…obviously was inevitable to happen. Trust a snake, and you are bound to get bit. Actually, I take that back…because I think snakes are cool and I trust animals way more then I trust most humans (unless you are Barack Obama in which case I just think you are one of the closest things to the second coming we have…I think he can probably walk on water…). But besides President Elect Barack Obama, I don’t really trust human nature since we live in such a self indulgent world where boys are being raised to be selfish boys and never forced to grow up, and girls are still unaware that they deserve better. No, let’s say something like, if you trust someone who has yet to prove them self trustworthy, you are bound to get shit on – like they’ve done to everyone else in their life before you.
That’s better than dragging some poor snake into it, let’s just be real about it right?!
And so, a year ago that’s exactly what happened. I got shit on by someone I should never have trusted or even exposed myself to. But at the time, when it all went to pot, I turned it all on me…again. What did I do wrong this time? What didn’t I do enough of? How can I be better? How can I make things better?
Oh god, too much to even think about and recall…I was in a bad place and I felt worse about myself than I had felt in SEVERAL YEARS. The road to recover was one hell of an uphill, crater ridden, obstacle laden, poison ivied mess! It didn’t help that I was working full time and had just started grad school full time. I felt like I was being beaten down by everything and everyone.
OK, not everyone. I knew I had the support and love of my friends, and they buoyed me when I really couldn’t keep myself afloat, but sometimes even their love couldn’t prevent me from slipping into the blackness of prickly, splintery, aggressively negative and all consuming sorrow I would get lost in. I definitely visited that terrible pit of despair…and a serious depression followed.
It wasn’t the first time I had found myself in such an awful place, but it was the first time where I had felt I truly, on all counts, didn’t deserve it. I really felt like I had done damn near my best. No, I wasn’t perfect, of course their needed to be things about myself I changed and continued to make better, but I really felt like I had given a LOT of myself to this *thing* and having learned from all my failed attempts in the pasts and all my mistakes, I was doing so much better. I just didn’t understand how it all fell apart. But that was because I was looking at it through jaded eyes in a reflecting glass.
When I finally learned the truth about the major events that lead to my surprise loss, I was finally able to start healing…slowly. Knowing the truth I was able to recognize that it wasn’t so much about me this time. Or things I had or had not done. It really wasn’t. And that was important for me to recognize and learn because I was beating myself up over something that was never really worth my time, love and support in the first place.
I can’t really say much about what “it” was specifically, but I can describe it as selfish, childish, negative, malicious, having complete disregard for others, ruthless, stupid, deceitful, angst, lonely, sneaky, hungry, tacky, classless, lazy, cowardly, weak, careless, envious, thoughtless, pathetic, jealous and ultimately – typical.
Now, this isn’t to imply that I was 100% faultless in the matter; but I’m pretty sure my part in it’s demise was much smaller and far less NEGATIVE than all that listed above. My biggest part was insecurity – but seeing as how I was not wrong to feel that way since the deceit had been happening, slowly, for over months, I’m sure that’s why I felt it in the first place.
Wow…I haven’t visited this thought in a while, but today marks one year, and it’s important for me to reflect upon it all, remember it, write about it for posterity’s sake and then be completely done with it for good.
Ahh…it’s almost refreshing. That weird mourning period is over. It’s been over for a long while now (thank goodness), but I feel like today marks that glorious spot where I can say “fuck it, I’m done with this shit!”. And guess what people – I AM done with that kind of shit.
In the past year I have learned so much about my own inner strength and will to not only survive but to better myself and move forward. To progress in life with POSITIVITY and grace. And to help create and make my own happiness. I’ve done so by remembering the joys in the little things…reminding myself daily (grateful for lists anyone?) of everything that I do have to be happy and feel lucky about and making a concerted effort to be the best version of ME I can be.
And I have to say this, I really like who I am. I have so many “flaws” and “faults”, but I’ve even grown to love those. Holy shit people, what I’m saying here is that I’ve grown to love myself! This is not an easy thing for people to do…especially if you grew up surrounded by negativity constantly attacking you (as I did). But how wonderful to recognize that yes, indeed, I do love myself, along with all my shortcomings…
There are days, of course, where I look in the mirror and think, “Dammit Devin, get your shit together!” but those days are normal for any self reflective, open minded person. I’m not stopping here people! I want to grow and continue to change and better myself for the rest of my life! I have gone to great lengths to remove the negativity that had been collecting in my world. I continue to fight the urges to say things that do not promote positivity. Yes, I lapse from time to time, I fall off the wagon, but instead of beating myself up about it or taking a defeatist attitude about it, I dust myself back off and get the fuck back on that train to happiness. Ain’t no stopping me now people.
When times get tough, I always think of three things (and I think Obama has helped to add a fourth):
On this major day of reflection before this strange chapter of my life gets put away, I sit at my desk smiling to myself for the gratefulness I feel for all the blessings I have in my life. All the people, all the joys, all the trials and tribulations, all the challenges and challengers, all the simples things and the BIG things, all that is good and even those things that are less than so…
I feel stronger and ready and happy for the days ahead of me. I’m even looking forward to my 30th birthday which I would have never thought possible moths/years before now.
I’ve got this happy, thrilled, solid, strong, pulsing, beaming, POSITIVE yet quiet contentment with where I am in my life and what I am doing. I would like to take this opportunity to thank everyone who’s played a major role in this place of happiness I find myself and to all my positive, loving, strong beautiful and magical friends that I have; without you all, I doubt I would have made it here so quickly – today, YOU all are my champions and I honor YOU!
Thank you all…
With love,
Devin
Now, I will celebrate this point in my life with a list (and possible links) to songs that I feel represent the many emotions and thoughts that I’m thinking and feeling…
Please, to enjoy…
Recovery – New Buffalo (thanks Ivan, for finding me this song…)
All These Things That’s I’ve Done – The Killers (I do think I’m a soldier, but this song makes me dance…)
Link to the music video
Stronger – Britney Spears (we share the same birthday!)
Link to music video
Paper Planes – M.I.A. (this one also makes me dance, and I like to shoot air guns…)
Fidelity – Regina Spektor
What Goes Around…Comes Around – Justin Timberlake (oh yeah…it’s just soooo right, and JT is sooooo sexy…I forgive him for using ScarJo for this video since she does play the perfect cheating slut
Link to music video
Desert – Emilie Simon (this makes me think of someone lovely…and that someone makes me smile)
Believe – Cher (I can’t wait to sing this on my b-day)
Le Disko – Shiny Toy Guns (love to dance, love the lyrics, love the hot chic singing…)
Link to music video
…and now, I’m gonna figure out where to get my celebratory cake from!
This entry was posted on Thursday, November 13th, 2008 at 8:14 am and is filed under birthdays, commentary, grateful for..., just 'cause, life, my friends are talented, personal, the written word, works in progress. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.