…I really don’t have time to think.

I wake up, I get dressed, I brush my teeth at home if I have the time, I feed the kitties and the birds and Trigger and then I run (literally) out the door to catch my bus by 6:44 AM. On a good day I get home by 6:15 PM (this is Monday and Tuesday assuming I’m not in the studio which I usually am) but then the other week days I’m lucky to get home before 10:30 PM. To put it mildly, my current schedule is intense.

I can’t recall having THIS much work and THIS little time to do it in. It’s not just one or two major things in my life right now. It’s four; the job (40 hours a week), the schooling (14 classroom hours + 20 studio/work/reading hours – minimum), the running (in taper mode so only running twice a week at best – around 20 miles a week which is about 4 hours worth give or take) and the health (this doesn’t require actual hours of my time per say, except the weekly doctors visits that I have that come out of my “lunch breaks” which I no longer have time for…)

If we total that up, I am actually “working” roughly 78 hours a week. I’m commuting about 7 hours a week (between home, work, school, running). If there are 168 hours a week, I guess it doesn’t sound too crazy that I work (and commuting) over 80 hours a week…but let me assure you people, it’s truly insane.

I’m not sure that I’d wish this (long term) on even my worst enemy, though I would like to see a few people live a month in my shoes as I imagine it would offer a wonderful lesson in gratefulness as they would see how much simpler their lives are and therefor would stop bitching so insistently about the little things. Or maybe just ease up on the complaining. Or maybe stop giving me such a hard time for not seeming “present”. (I get this from people who don’t know me well, not from my close friends, family or besties…)

I’m not trying to sound like I’m complaining. I’m really not. I’m involved in as much as I am because either I have to be or I want to be. I am not lucky enough to be able to go to school without working a job. But I’m more or less, ok with it now. That wasn’t my lot in life I guess, but I’ve learned so many incredible lessons because of this and also can’t express to you how much I value “DOWN TIME” now. It’s not a joke when I tell people that I could seriously sit on my ass for a month without getting bored, because I really think I would just love that…doing nothing, at all, for an entire month. WOW. That would seriously rock.

Sometimes I really don’t think people realize just how much I’m actually working. When my “weekends” come around and people get upset with me that I can’t come out and play I want to shake them and say “WHEN WOULD I DO MY SEVEN BILLION HOURS OF HOMEWORK IF I CAME OUT AND PLAYED WITH YOU?!?!” but that isn’t something I can do.

I also don’t want to sit there and have to explain it all the time to people. I feel like I sound like I’m making excuses. “Devin, a bunch of us are going to order pizza and sit in the studio’s getting to know each other better and we’d love for you to join us…” I wish they all understood just how much I would like to join them! I really would. I would love to sit, shoot the shit over some pizza hard cider and get to know my classmate better.

My classmates are awesome! And yet I’m definitely that girl that might come off as being “uninterested” in joining in on the MFA family at my school. *sigh* And then I find myself explaining apologetically about my schedule. And they say things like “girl…you’re crazy! why don’t you just take a year off from your job?! Or stop running? Or go part time at school?” and I look at them and smile and say “trust me, I would if I could…”

But I don’t want to stop running because that is what keeps me SANE and gives me something to look forward to and a goal to meet and something that gives me a true sense of accomplishment. Its experiences that I can’t get any other way that I love and cherish and that motivate me to keep going. Man, I’ve run MARATHONS. And I’m running three more. That’s a big deal to me.

I also can’t go part time with school because I NEED to finish in three years. I want to spend more time on my OWN work, building up my resume and being able to submit it to places so that one day I’ll be able to get the heck outta Dodge (or ChiTown as it were…).

And I can’t go part time with school cause SOMEBODIES gotta pay the bills. And that somebody is me. And I’m not looking to take out any more school loans than I have to. You know?A

And so I continue on as is…working full time, schooling full time and running full time. All of this practically on an empty tank.

Hum…it really is kinda crazy when I sit and spell it out like this and then THINK about it. The saying has gotta be right, what doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger!!!

Ha ha, oh well…it is what it is and these are the cards I was dealt and baby I am gonna win me some SERIOUS hands with these cards. I’m stronger and better prepared and more of a go getter now than I was 5 months ago! I’m more determined, I’m a tad more selfish, I’m far more self confidant and I’m highly protective of my time. I have to be! This is the only way I will survive this semester. And the next to years!

And let’s not ignore the health issue. I mean, working the way I am would make a healthy person struggle to keep their immune system up; let alone someone like me who already has a compromised immune system! And while I know that when all is said and done I’m gonna be healthier than most of the people I know, in the meanwhile I’ve got to be really diligent to keep myself in super tip top shape…oh December…I almost feel like you can’t come soon enough! This new year is gonna be one to truly celebrate I imagine…one where I take some time off of work and school and running and focus on being healthy and happy and sitting on my happy little lazy ass for hours and hours on end (or as long as I choose to within the span of a week).

I will read in those moments…I will watch movies and tv shows and listen to music and sleep till my hearts content! And it will be fan-freaking-tastic!

Until then however I have mountains and mountains of work to do. With all the cut backs at work, it means more work is trickling onto my plate and I have less time to do it in. Being a second year grad student means the expectations are even higher and there are NO exceptions to any of the rules…I must put in the work and the time and come out with amazing things for my portfolio. I think I will (I hope I will) and I am truly excited about most of what I am learning and doing…I just wish I had more time to sit with the materials and work on my projects and also my own art.

Ha ha, I laugh at myself as I write this. I’m watching the sun sink away and wondering how or when I am going to shoot what I need to. I should have left my house over an hour ago. But I’m exhausted and running on fumes of fumes. Alas, no excuses…I have to get this stuff done…and so away I go, off to freeze my backside smaller in the “woods” of Chicago proper and shoot some interesting footage for my part of the group installation I’ve got going up Oct. 9th (3 days before the marathon).

It’s been quite the experience, these past 4 weeks…4 months…several years. I learn more and more every day and I can’t believe how sponge like I still am!

Please note though, that if I say I can’t come out or do something because of the amount of work or homework I have, try to understand that I mean it and not to take it personally or as though I am disinterested. Unless of course you are trying to ask me out on a date and then you might second guess my response…because I *might* be using it to my advantage and hope that you take the hint and STOP ASKING ME OUT ALREADY… ok…tangent…I think we all get the point now; I’m really crazy busy…
/>…now I’ll get back to it. Thanks for letting me rant, and even more thanks to my friends who get it and support me and stay in contact with me and love me no matter what. I’d not be able to do all that I am if I felt like I was alone in this lifetime…you all help to make it possible. Like I said, you guys are the ones who get me to the finish lines…each and every single time.

Peace out home slices…
d