It has come to my attention by a quite a few, through a flurry of emails, texts and phone calls, that there are some questions about my posting from last night.

To clarify, there were more than one subject matter being examined in my post from yesterday. The examples being mentioned (while I can see them appearing to be one) are actually two VERY DIFFERENT, COMPLETELY SEPARATE situations. One question lead me to think about another, deeper burning question that has been on my mind probably since the first time I knew someone who suffered from heart break.

Of course larger than heart break is when that heart break is caused by a betrayal. And while I know what it is that I think of as betrayal, I realize that some could have read what I wrote and thought it was about them…

Oh dear friends, family, neighbors and random people who surprisingly read my blog…if we are talking with one another (except those random people reading this that I don’t even know), than clearly I do not think of you as someone who has betrayed me…because if I did, we wouldn’t be talking!

Betrayal; an interesting word. What does it mean? According to Webster’s Dictionary, betray means 1. To be traitor to or commit treason against. b. To be unfaithful or disloyal to. 2. To make known accidentally. 3. To reveal: indicate. 4. To lead astray : deceive.

So I think about what I specifically meant in my posting about betrayal. I certainly would be feeling 1b. To be unfaithful or disloyal to…also, 4. to deceive. Deception is one of the ugliest abilities I can imagine a person possessing. Disloyalty is pretty rotten as well. Typically, I think it’s a safe bet to associate disloyalty (in terms of a relationship at least) as…cheating on your partner. Doubly worse, cheating on your partner then repeatedly and continuously lying about it, even when you have been called out on it. Ewww…that is pretty stinky.

The first question in my last post was a very honest, heartfelt one that I had been asked recently. It lead me into a lot of introspection, which I appreciate and take any opportunity to do. In my posting I came to an answer for that question, though it got mingled in with another thought going on in my head.

I apologize to everyone who thought that posting was about them…like I said, I’ve already addressed those people who thought it was about them, so if I’m talking with you, than you KNOW it’s not you. And to all my friends who read this, you should be aware that if I’m talking with a person…clearly I don’t think that person anything less than a friend, and you can’t be considered a friend of mine if I think of you as someone who has betrayed me.

I mean, seriously, how many of us can say we have friends in our lives who have HONESTLY betrayed us?…Accidents happen, sure, but betrayal is a heavy word…I challenge you to question any friendships or relationships you have where you honestly feel the person has betrayed you in some serious way. If you have someone like that in your life, I have to ask you, why? Do you really want to keep that kind of person and energy around you?

I, for one, do not.

Anyway…this has become extremely long winded. Ultimately, what I’m trying to say is, when reading the post below, recognize that they are two COMPLETELY DIFFERENT situations being discussed there. One is a positive and honest question that lead to an honest dialogue with myself about how I genuinely feel about that subject matter; the other is a heavy hearted question I’ve been asking myself in lue of some what recent events.

Both are very separate from each other. (In fact, it’s entirely possible that the second question I asked was totally based on a hypothetical situation…which is unlikely since I write fairly biographically…but it is possible…I’m just saying…)

Sorry for all the confusion, but I appreciate the flurry of comments because it does indicate to me that people actually read this…which can be a bit surprising at times, but usually pleasantly so.

Alright…onto my “grateful for” posting…

…because I’m avoiding the cleaning…

I was asked recently if I never saw someone, after not having seen them for a while, and then having a really great time seeing them again, would I be happy I got to see them that one last time or not.

It’s a really interesting question that I don’t think can be answered when immediately asked. It sort of falls into the same idea about if you fell madly deeply in love with a person and then, that person you were madly in love with, betrayed you, would you have rather never been with them and felt that kind of love, betrayal and then loss, or would you rather experience the whole event for what you would learn from it.

Experience is what makes us wise, is what we learn from, it’s how we grow and, hopefully, become better people. I like to think all of the experiences I’ve had over the years have shaped me into the person I am and the person I continue to become, which is (I think) a pretty good person. As much as I claim to hate people, I really do have serious love for them. I hate what people do, I dislike ill intentions and cruel actions, but I usually want to forgive such things as accidental…though as we grow older it’s harder to do so.

Of course when you see that a pattern continues to repeat itself, then you realize that person is not choosing to grow from their experiences. As in the above mentioned example, the person you were in love with that betrayed you, if that person had a history of that sort of thing and then claiming to be older, wiser and more honest, they pull that stunt yet again, only this time with you, you realize that no, that person is not the same type of person you are…that person is a liar.

Would you have rathered not experienced the whole hurt of that situation for the lessons learned? Well, if you’ve never been through heart ache before, than I believe it’s inevitable and that one SHOULD (sadly) have to go through such a heart wrenching, gut splitting pain. But, say you had been broken hearted before and had your heart trampled on with glass studded cleats, then I’d say, perhaps no, you don’t need to experience that sort of hurt…again.

For me, there are things in my past I wish I could erase, but since we can’t do that, I choose to learn from them and continue to grow. I know that I am more honest, more truthful and probably a lot less trusting than I have been in the past because of all of my hardships, but ultimately I believe that this makes me a better person. Someone who really only spends her time on people and things that are important. Hopefully, I’ve learned enough of these lessons not to have to experience such heart aches like I have again. I guess that’s one of those things that only time will tell.

However, after giving my first question in this posting a lot of thought, I think my truthful answer would be, no, I would not have rather had a really great time with a long lost friend if I was only going to loose them again…unless of course that loss was to death. But were the person to still be living, but we’d never be in touch with one another again…well, then no. That would hurt more than having left things the way they were…where we had both probably reconciled the situation in our heads and in our hearts and could recount happy memories without too much pain.

Ah…see what cleaning chemical fumes do to my head? I think too much!!!

Anyway…I remember that today is a day of celebrating for some…I think I wish I wasn’t aware of that. Perhaps I would have preferred never to have known…